


Against the Dying Light

by dailandin



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst, Basically the story of how Ben Solo fell to the Dark Side, Ben Solo-centric, Fluff, Multi, Post-Canon, Pre-Canon, Rey Kenobi Theory, Skywalker Family Drama, Will cover Ben's life from ROTJ to TFA and after, and what happened afterwards
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-11
Updated: 2016-03-12
Packaged: 2018-05-13 02:51:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 24,716
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5691844
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dailandin/pseuds/dailandin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ben Solo does not so much fall into the Dark Side as awkwardly stumbles into it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This was supposed to be a short, quick story about Ben Solo's fall to the Dark Side. I have written more than 3k and I'm still not even halfway through *Help*
> 
> This is the first fic I've written (and posted!) in a long, long time. If you see any spelling, grammar, etc mistake or anything you think could be impropved, please do tell me :)

 

Like many other children born out from Rebel parents, Ben is conceived with love, joy and a quite significant amount of alcohol. Neither his mother nor his father can exactly pinpoint the night (or day) that his conception took place, with their best guess being some time during the festive and carefree week they spent on the moon of Endor after the defeat of the Empire. Those are joyous and hopeful days, filled with endless possibilities and opportunity. Everyone talks, discusses and wonders what they will do now that the seemingly eternal struggle that had taken over most of their life is done.

His Mother has grand plans for the future. Installing a New Republic. Helping Luke in rebuild the Jedi Order. Bringing Peace and Prosperity to the Galaxy. His father’s plans are less grand, and more adventurous.

Neither of them plans for Ben.

When Leia announces her pregnancy, the news are met with shock and uncertainty. Is it the right time? Are they ready for such a commitment? Is it safe? Smart? - In the end none of it matters and they launch themselves into parenthood with the same reckless courage and blind faith with which they had jumped into the garbage chute in the Death Star in their first meeting. Uncertain, scared and yet, still 100% determined to make it work.

And so this is how nine months later little Ben is born. He is unplanned, and not wholly convenient. But he is also a symbol of hope and new beginnings. And his parents love him without reserve from the moment he comes into the world, red-faced and screaming like a rawwk.

Of course, their love is severely tested when he proceeds to spend the first months of his life testing his lungs, in what seems to be a misdirected effort to emulate Chewbacca.

Sadly for all of them it is not long before duty comes calling.

Because Leia’s grand plans have not changed. The galaxy still needs a new solid government, and a new Jedi Order. And so they just have to adapt.

Leia brings baby Ben with her to politic summits and embassy receptions. Bundled against her chest or in a trolley when he grows too heavy to carry around. Han stays with him whenever he isn't leading important recovery and reconnaissance missions against the Empire remains, since Leia forbids him from taking Ben on the Falcon

(“You can’t intend to take your own son on this piece of garbage?” asks Leia when the suggestion first comes up.

“This piece of garbage destroyed the Death Star, in case you don’t remember!” retorts Han, always quick to defend his ship.

“That’s not exactly a ringing endorsement for it being a safe place for KIDS, Han. What will you do if Ben wanders around and falls into some of these random compartments you have hidden all across the place? Touches something dangerous and hurts himself?”

That shuts Han right up when he remembers his son’s endless curiosity and complete lack of self-preservation, which has already led to many accidents on his many daring crawling escapades around the Rebel base.)

In the beginning there never is a shortage of volunteers to babysit the son of two of the Rebellion’s great Heroes. Political aides, pilots and New Republic officials all coo and fuss endlessly at him. But Ben mostly cries, whines and hides behind his mother, quickly gaining a reputation as a moody and ungrateful baby.

He reserves his most unattractive and irritating crying fits for his Uncle Lando, much to the amusement of his Father. Although, unlike the others, Lando is far from discouraged and spends no little effort in gaining Ben’s affection through obnoxiously expensive (and completely non-age appropriate) gifts, embarrassing stories about Han and endless amounts of patience.

They reach a truce on Ben’s 4th birthday after Lando lets Ben try the controls on the Millennium Falcon for the first time on a short ride around Vespin. The ship ends up on the Repair Bay and its young pilot on the Hospital Wing.

After that Lando gains Ben’s eternal admiration for withstanding Leia’s dressing down without even a little flinch.

As he grows older and Leia’s schedule gets busier, accompanying her stops being a viable option. His mother’s meetings always seem to drag on for hours, with everyone in attendance always having an opinion on _this_ and _that,_ and a better solution that what had previously been agreed on just moments before.

They are a painfully boring and tedious affair. And Ben doesn’t have any patience for it. He can feel the resentment, the anger, and the selfishness emanating from some of the representatives. They grate against the back of his mind like rottors on a broken engine. He feels fear and despair, like a cold mist slowly taking over his limbs, and wonders how everyone else can stay so calm when there’s so. much. noise. He fidgets and slumps badly in his seat, fruitlessly trying to stave of boredom and the foreign emotions buzzing endlessly around his head, eyes fixed on his mother in a silent plea to ‘please, be done with all of them and just take me home, where it’s warm, and safe and _calm_ ’. Silent pleas are soon followed by not-so-silent mutterings and whinings, which then end up in full blown temper tantrums, with ugly crying and feet stomping included.

When he decides to add floor-rolling into his repertoire Leia resigns herself to her son’s apparent lack of diplomatic inclinations and stops taking him with her for work.

Ben relishes the newfound calm, the grating engines and dread cold replaced by the solid, reliable and warm presence of his father. With the Empire no more than a dying remnant and his wife swallowed up in diplomatic duties, Han grounds the Falcon permanently and becomes Ben’s main caretaker. His temper tantrums disappear almost overnight to be replaced with smiles and a sweet and calm disposition. Han and Leia breathe a sigh of relief and congratulate themselves in having successfully navigated through the early turbulences of child rearing.

However, their relief is to be short lived. The moment Ben is told he is to be enrolled into school his famed temper makes a triumphant return, and he throws his most impressive fit to date. The crying, shouting and usual dramatics don’t stop until Han drops him off on his first day, feeling like the worst father ever (which is saying something given who his father-in-law was). He has never been able to stand seeing his loved ones unhappy and the sight of six year old Ben, looking up at him with red-rimmed eyes, flushed cheeks and tears and snot running down his face breaks his heart.

“Please, don’t cry buddy, you’ll see how it’s nothing to be afraid off” says Han reassuringly “You’ll make tons of new friend in no time”

“I-I-I aaaa-alreadyyy ha-a-ave fr-friends” bawls Ben, clinging to his father’s leg with all his might “I have you, and mom, a-a-and Chewie, and U-u-uncle Lando, and-” 

“We are your family” Interrupts Han, crouching down so he can look his son in the eyes “And we’ll always be there for you. No matter what. But you need to make your own friends. Those who will be there for you for no other reason than that they want to. Like Chewie has always been there for me. You need to find your own Chewie”

Ben wants to point out that he _already_ _has_ a Chewie, but before he has the chance to voice his thoughts Han is kissing him in the head and whispering goodbye before his new teacher drags him away.

The tears stop soon after that, when he realises they have little to no effect on the teachers. Tantrums also prove ineffective in getting out of the school, resulting only in time out and his classmates snickering behind his back, their amusement tingling in his head. 

He does not take the change well. He also does most definitely not find his _Chewie._ Or Lando. Or anyone he may ever be inclined to call ‘friend’.

Sure enough, there are many candidates for the position when it is revealed that Ben Solo’s parents are effectively _the_ Leia Organa and _the_ Han Solo everyone talks about. All the kids want to sit with him at lunch, and have him on their teams when playing smashball. But he turns out to be so awful at smashball or any other sport that not even his admittedly impressive parentage is incentive enough to put him in a team. He is not much better at socialising, quiet and awkward most of the time with a badly timed temper that does nothing but push people away.

And so his classmates turn on him as quickly and fickle as only children can be. He is picked last in all games, and he sits alone at lunch, and every day he retreats more and more into himself. He can feel the scorn, and the mockery, thick like engine oil pouring over his head and sticking bitter and cold to the back of his mouth. He becomes sullen and moody, and quick to lash out at the minimal taunt.

He is only back to his old self when he is at home, playing with his father and Chewie who do nott care if he is absolutely terrible at whatever game they decide on, and project so much warmth and love he feels like his head is full of soft cotton. He spends his evenings curled up next to his mother, no words needed, enjoying the calm she always brings with her, sharp and clear, like a gentle flowing river.

His parents worry as months pass and the situation at school doesn’t improve. But Ben settles on classifying all his classmates as ‘hopeless laser brains’ and refuses to entertain the idea of having anything to do with them.

(He only once mentions how he can _feel_ their dislike for him, but this brings a pinched look to his mother’s face, and the familiar feeling of cold fear freezing his limbs. He doesn’t mention it ever again)

All his teachers label him as a ‘sensitive but difficult child’, he has trouble with his classmates, trouble focusing in class and he struggles to get even a passing grade on most subjects.

Yet none of them voice their fears, and they all continue to act as the happy, perfect family they oh, so desperately wish to be. A collective imagining only made possible by their joint denial.

The charade would have gone on indefinitely if not for the Damerons moving to Hosnian Prime on Ben’s second school year. Being old friends with Han and Leia, from the days of the Rebellion, the Damerons are soon invited to dinner, in memory of the good ol’ times, and bring their son with them.

Poe Dameron is two years older than Ben and everything the latter wishes he could be. Poe is tall, and handsome, taking the best of both his parents’ looks, with his mother’s bright eyes and his father’s striking cheekbones. He is polite and charming, smiling all the time, all bright white teeth and dimpled cheeks.

Ben hates him on sight.

“And he is such a good pilot!” proclaims a proud Shara Bey ”He already flies our old 9T-NB speeder all by himself”

Poe smiles bashfully at his mother’s praise, head ducked to hide a blush “It’s not that hard, really…”

Ben, who still has a clear memory of the week he spent being slathered in bacta in Vespin after his first disastrous flight with Lando, glares at him from across the table, hate intensifying.

“Piloting is for droids” mutters Ben, pushing his food around his plate with more force than necessary “And it’s stupid”

“Ben!” admonishes Leia “Don’t be rude to our guests. Apologize imme-”

“ _Y_ _ou_ are stupid!” shouts Poe from the other end of the table, cheeks red with righteous anger at having his skills bettlited “I bet you can’t even fly a hoverboard”

Ben can’t fly a hoverboard. He has no sense of balance and all his attempts so far have ended with him falling hard on his but. He is ready to fire out an angry reply (a lie), but a quick look at his mother’s angry face and the bitter taste of disappointment he suddenly feels on his mouth, shut him right up. He can see Poe across the table angrily staring him down, righteousness coming off him in heavy waves. He feels himself starting to blush, hotness spreading from his cheeks to the point of his ears. Shame and humiliation burn like acid on the back of his throat. Without sparing a second glance at his parents or anyone else, he quickly jumps from the table and runs toward his room. He knows he is being dramatic, and he can feel his mother’s disappointment all the way across the house, but at the moment he doesn’t care. His cheeks are burning and tears prickle at the edge of his eyes and he feels so damn stupid, stupid, _stupid._

“I don’t think you’re stupid” Ben starts at the sound of the voice interrupting his thoughts. Not even realising he has been talking aloud. Poe Dameron leans against the door jam in his room, apparently having calmed down from his earlier outburst.

Ben furiously rubs his eyes and sniffles soundly “You don’t have to apologise just because your _parents_ told you to. I don’t care”

For a second Poe looks like he may snap at him. But he closes his eyes, takes a deep breath and comes to sit down next to him. When he speaks again his voice is calm and level “Nobody told me to come. And I’m not apologising, you’re the one who started it. Still, I don’t think you’re stupid”

There is nothing but honesty coming from, steady and sure. Ben can’t find even a small hint of a lie, no matter how much he prods. “Whatever. Fine. I don’t think piloting is stupid either”

They sit there side by side, awkward silence slowly descending, until Poe suddenly speaks up “Do you wanna learn how to hoverboard?”

“What?”

“Hoverboard. Do you want to learn how to fly it?” Once again Ben searches for a lie in his words, and once again the only impression he gets is that of bright pure honesty. It seems too good to be true, and yet…

Ben has always wanted to hoverboard.

When the Damerons come to pick Poe up at the end of the dinner, he has managed to get Ben to stay upright on a hoverboard without falling over and is trying to teach him how to move the board around. Of course the moment the adults walk into the room Ben forgets his recent teachings, in his excitement to show off, and promptly loses his battle with gravity.

“Easy there, pipsqueak” says Poe as he grabs him before he tumbles to the ground “Don’t go falling over on me, now”

“I take you managed to solve your differences?” asks Shara.

“Well, we agreed that Ben better is better off leaving piloting to the droids…”

“But Poe is great!” interrupts Ben “He taught me this super trick to stay up. An-and he can do a full twister on the board! Full twister mom. You _have_ to see it, Poe, show them-”

“That sounds fantastic, sweetie” says Leia softly “But I’m afraid Poe and his parents need to leave now”

“Leave? No! I just managed to get him up-” “He can’t leave now!” “-and I need to teach him how to-” “I like Poe!”

“Fine, fine!” Han has to raise his voice to be heard over the enthusiastic protests “Poe can come in some other day to finish teaching you how to fly on this damn thing. Stars know you need someone to do it” This seems to calm both kids down.

“Can I really come over Mister Solo?” asks Poe eagerly.

“Sure, kid. We’ll be glad to have you anytime. You managed to teach him more in one hour than I’ve managed in the six months since we bought that damn board”

After that, Poe becomes a permanent fixture in the Solo-Organa household. Once he finishes teaching Ben how to hoverboard, they move on to Smashball, and Sabacc, and a hundred other games Ben had never even heard of before. Not only does Poe seems to know all games in existence, he also excels at them. Ben would probably feel intimidated and jealous if it were anyone else, but Poe never dangles his superior skills in front of him or mocks him in his failed attempts. He doesn’t feel the mockery and contempt he has gotten used to feeling from his classmates.

Poe is just plain good. He radiates nothing but pure honesty and kindness. He is not cotton-warm like Han, or crystal clear calm like Leia. Poe is a solid and bright wall of pure _goodness_.

Sometimes Ben wonders why someone so amazing even bothers to spend time with him, but he’s always quick to bottle up these bad thoughts and bury them deep, deep in his mind where they can’t touch him.

He feels like he has finally found his Chewie. He tries to explain it to Poe the next time they play, pretending to be Rebels fighting the evil Empire. How he is Han Solo, because, well, _duh_ , Han is his father and it is totally his right to be him (No matter what Julen says about him being a poor copy who can’t even hope to compare to the original). And Poe is Chewie, because he is brave, and selfless, and just so damn good. Poe listens intently to his explanation, brow slightly furrowed in thought, before declaring “No, I’m Leia”

“You can’t be Leia!” exclaims Ben.

“Why not?”

“She’s a _Princess_ ” explains Ben, making sure to put extra emphasis on the word ‘princess’, since Poe seems to fail to grasp its exact meaning “and you’re…. well you’re definitely not a princess” he concludes waving at Poe’s general being.

“I could be a princess” replies Poe calmly “And Leia’s not just a princess. She’s also, brave and smart, and one of the leaders of the Rebellion. She fought with Han Solo in the Battle of Endor. And helped him escape from the first Death Star. She was as good a partner as  Chewie”

Ben opens his mouth to reply, but shuts it with a snap once he realises that, yes, Leia is indeed all the things Poe mentions, and his father’s actual life partner. So there is really no reason against Poe being Leia if he wants it so. Princess and all.

“Fine. But then I want to be Luke, because Han and Leia kiss, and that would be just icky”

“Why?”

“It would just be!” hisses Ben.

“Can’t see why” mutters Poe “My mom and my dad kiss each other all the time. They seem to like it just fine”

“B-but you’re a _boy_ ” Ben reminds him.

“So?” questions Poe, completely unphased at his friend’s apparent distress. He seems to think for a moment, before continuing in a more serious tone “I don’t have cooties, you know. Don’t listen to what Cici says. Girls like to tell lies”

“I know you don’t have cooties” retorts an exasperated Ben “That’s not what I said. I can’t kiss you because you’re a _boy_ ”

“I don’t see how that matters”

“It does. Just - Dad!” shouts Ben, turning to where Han is tinkering with one of the Falcon’s damaged reflector drives “Tell Poe he can’t kiss another _boy_ ! _”_

“Poe can kiss whoever he well damn pleases, Ben” grunts Han without raising his eyes from his work.

Poe’s smile radiates smugness.

“Fine. Whatever. I’d still rather be Luke”

He quite likes the idea of being Poe’s brother. Han had told him his mom and Uncle Luke share this super profound bound because they are Brother and Sister. That they can feel each other even if they are all the way across the Galaxy. Ben can now _feel_ where Poe is most of the time, if he focuses just enough. He’s sure he could pinpoint his location with his eyes closed, just by following the feeling of solid bright light he’s come to associate with his friend. He can do the same with his parents and Chewie. They are all parts of his little universe. Tied to him as strongly as the planets in a system are tied to their Star. The thought of losing any of them doesn’t even cross his mind.

Perhaps that’s why, when it happens, it feels like the whole universe has collapsed into itself.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And another chapter up! Good News is I finally have a full storyline drafted up, so I have a clear idea of where this is all going. Bad News is this is a fucking monster. We've barely just started the story *cries*. This chapter was easier to write now that Ben is not a toddler anymore, but I struggled quite a bit with the tone. I started this story with the idea of keeping the story light and fluffy, but I've realised it's a bit difficult to write a kid's descent into the Dark Side with fluff. So there's angst. Lots of it. I'm sorry.
> 
> As always, comments are greatly appreciated :)
> 
> **WARNINGS (Contain spoilers)** 
> 
> Snoke makes his creeptastic debut in this chapter. There's no obvious abuse or anything going on, mostly just Snoke being being creepily nice to eight year old Ben but, still. Be warned if this squicks you out.

In retrospective, all of Ben’s troubles can be blamed on the Force. Had he taken after his father and been born a 100% Force-free, normal, plain _human_ his life would have been quite different. But, alas, the most identifiable traits Han Solo passed on to his only son are a big pouty mouth, way too much stubbornness and an uncanny ability for burying his head in the sand when things do not go to his liking. Ben would also like to blame him for his large ears but, as far as anyone knows, these are just a cruel trick of genetics.

When Poe first suggests Ben accompanies him and his parents on their trip to Yavin 4 (for some family-related or other business, these kind of details escape eight year old Ben’s attention) he is excited. With his mother’s busy schedule they barely leave Hosnian Prime anymore, and the chance to see another world (and one with an old Rebel base on that) is an opportunity not to be missed. He pleads, and begs, and cajoles his parents until they reluctantly agree. His excitement is hard to contain after that. A whole week before leaving and he has already packed and re-packed his luggage three times, and driven C-3PO crazy with his continuous stream of questions about Yavin 4. But, after Poe tells him about the magic tree they have in their house courtyard, he is positively vibrating with anticipation. He has heard stories from his parents about Uncle Luke, and how he uses this mysterious power called the Force to do things that look like magic. But Uncle Luke is barely more than a blurry memory from his toddler days (an impossibly bright and light memory, but a memory nonetheless), and he occupies the same place on his mind as the Moon-Elves of Seswenna or the Snakedragons of Dagobah, that of a fairytale character of myth. Poe’s tree, on the other hand, while admittedly much less exciting than a Jedi Knight, is real, and just a few days away. He barely sleeps for two days from nerve-wracking anticipation.

When they get there he is completely exhausted, from two sleepless nights and a not-so-great trip through hyperspace, that he can barely keep his eyes open. He slugs sleepily after an irritatingly energetic Poe who seems determined to show him his whole house _right now_. However his lack of sleep stops mattering once they reach the backyard with the tree. It is the most beautiful thing Ben has seen in his short lifetime. It isn’t big, it actually would look laughably small next to Kashyyk’s towering _wroshyrs_ , but each and every of its branches seems to shine with their own light. Streaks of silver and gold run through its trunk, and the Yavin sun shines through its furiously green leaves bathing the whole backyard in warm golden light. Ben feels his tiredness melting away, as if swept away by a gentle breeze. He is completely at peace, all his doubts, and worries no more than a distant echo on the back of his head, and his mind is floating in white light.

He is so entranced by the tree it takes him a while to realise Poe is talking to him “...so Skywalker ended up giving the tree to my mom as a reward”

“Wait, what? This tree is my uncle’s?”

“Wha- Weren't you listening?” Poe looks slightly  put off once he realises how little attention his audience was actually paying to his story, but relents when he sees the eagerly inquisitive look in his friend’s face “Yes. It was Luke Skywalker’s tree. There’s supposed to be another one in his Jedi School. Wherever that is” He turns a proud grin on Ben “Cool, ain’t it?” Ben gives a jerky nod, his throat tight with an emotion he can’t quite place. Somehow learning the tree is somehow tied to his family gives it another level of fascination.

He does not remember how long he and Poe spend standing side by side in front of the Force tree in solemn silence, or how he manages to tear himself apart from the sight to finish the tour of the house. That night, when he sleeps, he dreams of a white patio covered in golden light, and a laughter like crystal bells ringing on his ears.

He feels an intrinsic pull towards the tree all through his stay in Yavin 4. Craving the cal,, peace, and unfiltered happiness that take over his mind in its presence. There is nothing that feels quite like it anywhere else in the Galaxy. If Poe is annoyed at his fascination with the family tree he doesn’t mention it. Instead he happily accompanies Ben on his daily visits to the tree. It quickly becomes apparent that the tree doesn’t exert the same fascination over Poe as it does over Ben, although the older boy is more than happy to spend time with it.

 “It gives me fuzzy feelings” He explains when Ben questions him about it “I don’t go gaga all over it like you… but it’s still nice. Comforting. Also it smells like our kitchen when my mom is baking cookies. Could never resist them.”

Ben’s mother has never baked any cookies to his knowledge so he can’t argue with the accuracy of Poe’s statement. When he mentions this Poe’s head snaps to him in surprise “Never?” He asks, disbelief apparent in his voice. “Your father either? Dad doesn’t bake cookies, but he makes a mean empanada”

“Mom’s busy” defends Ben “Dad tried cooking, once. We let the droids do their thing after that” Han had been quite offended when not even Chewie was willing to taste his food, since wookies were renowned for eating almost everything. Apparently, that did not include foul smelling green sludge.

“We should bake some cookies!” exclaims Poe before grabbing Ben and dragging him towards the kitchen “It’ll be fun, you’ll see. And we can EAT them afterwards” he adds with an impish grin.

 Cookie making with Shara Bey is a fun and chaotic affair. By the time they finish, the whole kitchen is covered in a thin layer of flour, and the two boys have half the ingredients streaked over their shirts and hair. Still, the cookies smell every bit as delicious as Poe had promised.

“Stars, I can’t wait to eat aaaall of them” Poe is sitting next to where the cookies are cooling down, hunched over the table and staring dreamily at them.

“If you eat all of them you’ll get sick, dear” admonishes Shara, picking batter out of her son’s messy hair. “Why don’t you and Ben go over to the Nara’s next door and bring some of the cookies to them? Misté does love them, and it would be a shame for them to spoil...”

“They won’t spoil” says Poe “Ben and I will eat them all” Ben nods his head in agreement, not daunted by the insane amount of cookies they have managed to whip up.

“I would be a very bad mother indeed, if I let you two eat all of this by yourselves. Get yourselves cleaned up and take a box of cookies to Misté like a good neighbour”

Ben and Poe grumble and complain, but they clearly have nothing to do against Shara Bey’s determination, because one hour later they are showered, and changed, and standing in front of the Nara’s house with a box full of delicious smelling cookies.

“Maybe they won’t be home” wonders Ben “We can’t leave them cookies if they aren’t home. We would have to eat them all ourselves”

“And what a tragedy that would be” Poe is smiling as he rings the doorbell for the second time. The door slides open to reveal an angry looking boy. Poe’s smile falls from his face.

“Well if it isn’t Poncy-Poe” the boy drawls in menacing tone “S’ been a long time since I was you”

“My mom sent me with a gift for Mrs. Nara”

“A gift, eh?” The cookie box is snatched from Poe’s hands before either he or Ben have time to react “Oh, would you look at that, cookies! I do love them”  

“The cookies are for Mrs. Nara” Poe declares, his toner icier than Ben has ever heard before. He looks tense, clearly uncomfortable with the other boy. “We baked them for her, not you”

“ _You_ baked the cookies?” the angry looking boy lets out a barking laugh “But of course, such a good housewife!” Poe is visibly gritting his teeth now. Ben can feel anger and hurt coming of him in waves, and his own irritation bubbling just beneath the skin. He wishes the angry boy would just shut up.

“Yes, _we_ baked the cookies for Mrs. Nara” Ben snaps. The other boy turns his attention to him. “And who the kriff are you, brat?” He spits when he talks, and Ben closes his eyes in disgust.

“He’s my friend, Jacko, so back off” Poe positions himself in front of Ben.

“Of course, of course, I wouldn’t want to scare of your little _friend_ ” The boy - Jacko - sing songs in Poe’s face. Poe stays impassible. Ben feels anger, and fear and hurt whirling inside his friend, clearly affected by what this annoying Jacko is saying. His anger raises at that. No one should hurt Poe. Poe who inexplicably likes him, who taught him how to fly, invited him to _his house_ , and is the bravest and most honest person Ben has ever met. “Say, isn’t he a little too young for you? Do you like them small?”

Ben feels the last words cut through Poe like a knife, and knows his friend is barely holding back tears. And although he does not quite understand what exactly Jacko has said to make Poe feel so hurt, he knows he wants him to stop. Anger bubbles and burns within him, bursting from his lungs like a fire. He steps from behind Poe “You leave Poe alone!” No one hurts Poe. No one.

He pushes Jacko on the chest. Hard. He expects him to stumble backwards, maybe to grunt in pain. But Jacko does not stumble. He is sent flying backwards, as if he had been pushed by a wookie instead of a short and skinny eight year old boy. Ben watches as he crashes against the wall in the entrance room. His head smacking against it with a sickening crack. When his body slides down to slump awkwardly on the floor it leaves a red trail behind. 

Ben is frozen on the spot, eyes fixed on the wet red mark on the wall, ‘blood’ a voice in his mind supplies. His hands, still extended, start trembling uncontrollably and he can feel panic clawing at his throat. He barely hears Poe shouting at him to move, to go, and lets himself be dragged away in a daze. He can feel the panic coming from Poe, the uncertainity about what has just happened. He cannot feel anything from Jacko.

They leave the cookie box there.

Ben does not remember the trip back to the Damerons. Suddenly he is not staring at the red mark on the wall, but into Kes Dameron’s kind face. He can see his slips moving, and knows he must be speaking to him, but he cannot hear anything over the tumult of thoughts in his head. His chest is tight and he cannot breathe properly, only managing straining gasps that burn down his throat. Hot tears run down his cheeks and he fumbles around for something (anything) to anchor himself before the voices drown him.

Poe’s hand, sweaty and rough, curls around his own and squeezes. He focuses on it, on Poe’s reassuring presence, and is finally able to draw breath.

“-ear me? Ben, Ben. Can you hear me?” He nods. Kes Dameron smiles reassuringly at him, his face pained but comforting “Good, that’s good. Now breathe, slowly, in and out, in and out”

Ben does as he is told, Poe’s hand clutched tightly in his. Slowly but surely, the voices in his head calm down, and the tightness on his chest eases. He is still crying, tears and snot running down his face, and sobs escaping his throat, but the voices are gone and all that remains is the usual _awareness_ of others around him. It’s now tinged with fear and confusion and it leaves a bitter taste in his mouth.

“It wasn’t your fault. He was being a bantha shit, you just tried to defend me” Poe reassures him later when they are curled up on his bed that night. Ben just clutches his hand tighter. He has not let go all day. Not even when the officers came to speak with the Damerons and the sound of sirens blaring could be heard across the street. He wanted to ask if Jacko is dead. But the words never leave his mouth, too afraid to know the answer. 

His parents arrive the next day, but he cannot even look them in the eye. His mother’s fear, usually just a slimmer simmering beyond the surface, is a thick and cold mist all over her mind. She looks at him with sad doe eyes and Ben feels it crawling under his skin. She is the one who sits him down and tells him what happened. Tells him about the Force and how it runs in their family, both  a blessing and a curse.

“Well, I don’t want it” The Force killed Jacko and fills his mind with thoughts he doesn’t want to hear. Should not be able to hear. “Make it go away”

“Oh, sweetie, I wish it were that simple” Leia raises a hand to caress his cheek, wiping away the tears that have begun gathering again. “But I can’t make it go away. The Force is inside you, it’s in your blood. You just need to know how to use it”

Han, who has remained silent since Leia first mentioned the Force, squeezes Ben’s shoulder “It will be okay, kiddo. It will all be okay” He sounds as if he is trying to convince himself as much as Ben. His mind is swamped with doubt and fear, and a thousand miles away.

They don’t stay in Yavin 4 for long after that. Ben does not even protest when he is told his vacation is to be cut short. The easy routine that was his life back in Hosnian Prime is much more appealing now than it was when he left. He only wishes to go back to the days when the Force belonged in fairytales, and he did not fall asleep to the sound of Jacko’s head smashing against the wall.

He soon this discovers his wish is not to be. As soon as things settle down, his mother starts his training on the Force. Leia is not and has never been a Jedi, but she knows the Force and is more than capable of teaching her son the basic workings of it. Just enough for him to lead a normal life. Just enough to avoid any more accidents. More deaths. So Ben starts spending all his afternoons in his mother’s office, running through breathing exercises and lectures about inner Peace and Balance. While the breathing he manages just fine (after all, he is been doing it his entire life), the Peace and Balance pose more of a problem. His volatile temper would be a challenge all on its own, but his whole world has just been turned upside down and he does not know which way is up any more.

Balance is a bit of a challenge at the moment, to say the least.

His father does not help matters. Where before he had been a steady and reassuring figure, always there when Ben had needed him the most, he is now walking on eggshells around him.  It is as if he does not know how to interact with his own son now that Ben has been revealed to be Force-sensitive. Ben tries to talk with him about his training, about how he is improving, hoping to dispel the uneasiness his father seems to feel around him now. But Han does not want to hear about his training or anything else related to the Force. He brusquely shuts down every conversation on the subject before stalking away to work on the Falcon. Ben can feel his father drifting further and further away from him every day, no matter how much he reaches from him time, and time again. Until, one day, he wakes up to find him gone.

“He’ll be back” reassures his mother, clearly more used her husband’s wandering ways “He always is.”

He says nothing in response. He knows better. This time Han is not off on some daring mission to chase down remnants of the Old Empire. He is running away from Ben. And just like that another of the solid blocks which had once made up his world crumbles before his eyes. He clings to his mother’s dress and rests his head against her hip, letting himself drift into her calm clear mind, as she runs her hand through his unruly curls.

Peace and Balance are even harder to achieve after that.

He spends most of his time in his mother’s rooms in the New Senate building, whenever he is not at school or visiting Poe. He likes the Senate even less now that he did when he was a baby. The cacophony of thoughts and feelings louder than it ever was then, and his mother just as busy. He ends up spending most of the time by himself in her office while she is away in meetings. Sometimes diplomats and bureaucrats stop by, but they leave once they learn she is elsewhere. Senator Snoke does not.

He is a wiry old man, with unnaturally light skin and some pretty unnerving scars marring his face. The first time he sees him Ben cannot stop a shiver of fear going through his spine. Still, his mother has always insisted in good manners, so he pushes his discomfort aside and keeps his voice as neutral and polite as he can. Hoping the man does not detect the nervousness behind it.

“Sir, I’m afraid Senator Organa is otherwise occupied at the moment. You’ll need to come back at a later time” Over the three months spent in his mother’s office he has perfected the art of the polite dismissal. He reckons if nothing else works out he can always consider a career as a personal aide.

“Such a shame. I was hoping to discuss some important issues with her” murmurs the man, wandering further into the office entrance lounge “And who might you be, little one? Aren’t you a bit too young to be an aide?”

“I’m Ben. Senator Organa’s son” Ben abandons his meditation attempts to monitor the stranger in the room. Despite his apparently advanced age the man moves with a sort of fluid grace. “And you are…?

“Why, of course, I should have introduced myself. How rude of me. I’m Senator Snoke” he extends a long fingered hand. Ben takes it after a brief moment hesitation. It’s cold and clammy. “And we have actually already met”

“We have?”

“You probably can’t remember it. You were no more than a child then, after all. Senator Organa used to take you with her to meetings, although you were not so keen on them” Snoke smiles at the last bit. His scars pull grotesquely across his face at the gesture “The fits you used to throw! I Have never seen such an impressive set of lungs on a child ever again”

Ben feels himself blush with embarrassment at the recollection. “I was a kid. I don’t do that anymore now”

“Of course not. I can see you’ve grown into a right proper young man. Keeping guard over your mother’s office all by yourself.” Snoke has now made himself at home in on of the chairs destined for waiting visitors. “You must get bored all day in here all alone” He does get bored. Immensely so. But he is hesitant to admit that to a stranger he has just met.

“Not really. Helps me meditate”

“Meditate? What would a young thing such as yourself need to meditate for?” Snoke’s tone is light with amusement. It does not sit well with Ben. He sits up straighter to compensate his lack of height and puts on his most grown up voice.

“To use the Force. My mom says I need to learn to focus to control it”

“And does meditation help?”

Ben shrugs “Sometimes. It’s difficult. It’s loud in here”

“That it is. You know, when I need to really concentrate on something, I pinch myself. It helps me to focus”

Ben pulls a face “You pinch yourself?” That does sound like a rather silly method of concentration,  Poe sometimes pinches his side in jest, and the only thing it manages to do is annoy him. Also, Snoke does not look like he has enough skin on him to manage to pinch much of anything “Doesn’t that hurt?”

“That’s the point. You need to use the pain to focus. Just a tiny bit, mind you” he leans in conspiratorially “That’s how great warriors learn how to fight. By taking their pain and owning it”

Ben pauses to consider it. Owning your own pain to achieve greater focus does make more sense. He has heard dozens of tales from his parents and other former Rebels about how they fought while badly injured.  Maybe he should try the pinching thing. Even if it does sound a bit silly. Snoke speaks again, pulling him from his thought.

“Well, I’ve put you from your meditation long enough. I’ll let you to it now. I’m sure you have had enough of entertaining an old man”

“It’s been a pleasure” for once Ben feels he really means it. Senator Snoke easily is the most interesting politician he has met to date.

“Same” Snoke turns around to walk out of the room “I’ll see you around young Ben”

Ben waves him goodbye as he is, once again, left alone. With one cautious look around the room he adopts his meditation stance, Snoke’s words echoing in his head. It still seems like a silly idea, but it is not like the methods Leia taught him have worked so far. Slowly he grabs a bit of his thigh between thumb and forefinger and squeezes. As expected, sharp pain shoots through him. His tight stings where he just pinched it. He concentrates on that, the tiny flare of pain the sole focus on his mind, and with almost no effort, all his thoughts concentrate around it.

With the help of Snoke’s trick Ben is finally able to meditate without distractions. His mother is quick to compliment him on his progress and he is able to stop worrying about his abysmal lack of meditation skills. Little by little things begin to improve again, and Ben lets himself believe that all will go back to what it was before the _accident._

The next time he sees Senator Snoke, when he once again stops by the office searching for Leia, he eagerly thanks him for his advice.

“It has helped me tons. It’s great, really. I made you this in exchange” he says hesitantly handing the Senator a _flimsi_ with drawings he has made “my mom always says you have to show gratitude to people who help you” The Senator takes the drawing and looks at it with a critical eye. Ben shuffles his feet awkwardly, feeling self-conscious about his little thank-you gift. “I know it’s just a stupid drawing-”

Snoke interrupts him before he can say anything else “It’s lovely. And I’m very grateful for it” Ben flushes at the gratitude, a smile spreading across his face.

After that, Senator Snoke starts stopping by to visit Ben at least once a week. He is always courteous and kind, asking Ben about his day, school and Force training. Sometimes he brings him small gifts and sweets (“To thank you for putting up with an old man like me”). He is easy to talk to, and his visits are a welcome distraction from training and boredom. Soon enough, Ben starts looking forward to them with anticipation.

Han returns home four months after his escape. He brings with him a truly staggering amount of gifts and trinkets from all over the Galaxy. Ben is predictably over the moon with joy at having his father back, despite the long absence and his mother’s hesitant welcome. He spends the first few weeks dutifully updating Han on all he has missed and spending every moment he can with him. He relishes the familiar warmth and love he has always associated with his father, head full of soft cotton and free of worries. He ignores how Han is still reluctant to discuss his training, how he still works daily on the Falcon, and how he continually fights with his mother when they think he has gone to sleep. He ignores all the red herrings until Han leaves again.

Over the next two years his father will be an intermittent presence in his life. Coming home with loads of gifts and the best intentions only leave again after a few weeks of fighting with Leia and trying to unsuccessfully reconnect with his son. Ben stops crying the fourth time he leaves them, but there is a hole growing in his chest where Han’s love use to be and he can’t seem to stop it.

In response he clings to the few constants he has left on his life, now that his father, Chewie and normalcy have flown out window. He clings to Poe, still good, still unchanged despite everything, and wonders what the other boy sees in him.  He shares his troubles with Senator Snoke, always patient and willing to listen and offer advice. He tries his best at training to make his mother proud, to make the fear and worry that have been permeating her mind since the accident disappear.

He meditates, and meditates and, after a while, he discovers he can move things just by thinking about it. Slowly, for the memory of Jacko is still fresh in his mind, he starts exercising his new ability. He moves from pens, to holopads, to big chairs. Poe thinks it is amazing and, for the first time, he is the one looking at Ben in awe. Senator Snoke applauds his abilities and encourages him to push himself even harder. But when he demonstrates his new capabilities to his parents, setting the table without touching a single plate, glass or piece of cutlery, the reception he gets is quite different. His mother’s smile is sad and resigned, and his father looks like that time Uncle Lando punched him in the gut for cheating at Dejarik.

“...You don’t like it?” Ben asks hesitantly, after his demonstration is met with the most absolute silence. His eyes dart nervously from his mother to his father, and back, searching for a sign of approval.

“It’s fantastic, Ben” His mother is quick to reassure him “Impressive. I don’t think even Uncle Luke could have learned to do this all by himself”

Ben throws her a wavering smile. The satisfaction at her praise dampened by the oppressive feeling of _worry_ emanating from her.

“Did you teach him that?” Han’s tone is sharp and angry. Ben’s smile freezes on his face. “You said you were only teaching him how to control it”

“Of course I didn’t teach him that” snaps Leia, turning to glare at her husband.

“Then how did he learn it?” Han has, apparently, all but forgotten Ben is still in the room. He feels like anger and fear and a dozen more emotions Ben does not understand. As the discussion rises in volume so do the feelings whirling wildly against Ben’s mind. He closes his eyes and covers his ears in an effort to shut everything out, but it just goes on and on in a maddening crescendo, until he cannot take it anymore.

“Shut up! Shut up! All of you shut up” he shouts at them. He can feel the tears, running hot and bitter down his face. Both his parents have stopped arguing and turned their attention to him, but he can still hear the thoughts and feelings and emotions swirling madly in his head. “Shutup-shutup-shutup-shutup-shutup” He is full out sobbing right now and lets himself fall into his mother’s embrace when she approaches him. She just holds him, hand drawing reassuring circles on his back. Little by little he manages to calm himself down and lets Han carry him to his bed. As soon as his room’s door closes he can feel his parents discussion pick up again.

A week after that he is sent to train with his Uncle Luke. His mother tries to look reassuring and promises him everything will be allright. “You will become a great Jedi, I’m sure of it” His father has given up on pretending he feels comfortable with the Force and all that comes with it, but he still hugs him tightly, like it is the last time he will ever see him again. In a sense, he is right.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And we're finally off to Jedi!Hogwarts! Rey and Luke will both debut in the next chapter, which will hopefully cover Ben's years at the academy (10-15) and his final descent to the Dark Side.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this chapter took way longer than expected and does not cover all I initiall planned it to. I planned to include Rey and end this with the massacre on the Academy, but it started to get too long, so that has now been pushed for the next one. On the bright side, half of next chapter is already written :)
> 
> If you have any questions or want to talk about the fic you can find me on tumblr (user name: dilandin)
> 
> Warning: Again, nothing major, apart from Snoke being the creepiest Sith this side of the Galaxy, and Ben starting to make really bad choices.

Uncle Luke’s Jedi Academy is nothing like what he expected it to be. For one, it looks nothing like an Academy is supposed to look like. There are no classrooms, or offices or wandering corridors. Instead, it is composed by a handful of cozy looking living pods strewn across a lush forest. The only proper building in it, a huge dome-like construction, is alternatively used as the main canteen, a communal room or a Forum for big announcements. All lessons are carried out outside or in the large Forum, when the summer rains make it impossible to be outdoors, instead of in stifling classrooms.

Ben loves it from the moment he arrives. Gone are his annoying schoolmates, and the endless hours spent by himself in the Senate’s offices. The Academy is constantly bustling with activity, padawans and younglings of all ages and races going through their daily exercises and chores in unexpectedly perfect harmony.

On his first day he is given three sets of beige robes, his Training and Chores schedule and a Force-awful haircut, that make his ears look even bigger than usual, before being assigned to his new living quarters. His room is much smaller than the one he had back at his parents’ apartments in Hosnian Prime, and the fresher is shared with four other students, but he loves it all the same. For the first time in years there are no whispers following him around, no hidden glares or spiteful rumors. He effortlessly blends in with the crowd, for once, utter and delightfully normal.

External feeling and thoughts, which had become almost deafening prior to his arrival, become muted and distant. The reigning sensation of calm that envelops the Academy, despite its constant buzz of activity, apparently permeating even the students’ minds. His head is blessedly empty of foreign emotions, the Peace and Balance, his mother so often spoke of, seem almost within reach.

And then there is Master Skywalker. Uncle Luke.

Ben grew up on stories of Luke Skywalker. Han and Leia loved to talk about him and his Many Great Deeds whenever they were on a nostalgia kick. It is really no surprise that Ben has built a clear image of what his Uncle supposedly looks like. Brave. Dashing. Adventurous. Good. Powerful. A larger than life hero. Ben’s expectations are, admittedly, quite high.

In reality, Luke Skywalker does not look like a hero. He looks like a farmer. Average height, medium build, and a kind face mostly obscured by an unflattering beard. When compared with his mother’s sophisticated beauty and authoritarian presence, or his father’s roguish charms and looks, Luke looks disappointingly _plain_ . On first sight there’s nothing about him that stands out. He is not ugly, per se, he has a pleasant enough face (except for the damn beard, there really is no saving _that_ ), it simply is not memorable. The first time Ben sees him he can barely contain a twinge of disappointment, for the man in front of him looks nothing like the Hero he imagined. However, his mother’s etiquette lessons prevail and he keeps his face cordial and welcoming as Luke makes his way over.

“Ben Solo! Force that be, how have you grown” as Luke smiles down at him Ben realises how wrong his initial impression had been. Luke has a dimpled smile, open and honest, which brings his face to life, making him that much similar to the brave hero everyone speaks about. Ben finds himself smiling back before he can stop himself. “Last time I saw you you were but a toddler, I can’t believe it’s been these many years”

Ben’s first instinct is to make an acid comment about how he may have less trouble believing it if he had visited more often, but Luke’s expression is so delightedly eager and honest he cannot bring himself to snap at him. He feels it would be worse than kicking a puppy, and so he settles for shrugging awkwardly.

“And you look so much like your father” Luke carries on, hands reaching out map out Ben’s features “Same mouth and same crooked nose. You have Leia’s eyes though. No idea who you go the ears from…”

“It’s an ongoing family debate” Ben answers, and is rewarded when Luke laughs, delighted. Ben can feel his amusement, sweet and warm like honey.

“I’m sure it is. Speaking of which, how are your parents?”

He remembers his mother, worn and tired from the relentless and never ending conflicts in the Senate, his father, absent even when he is in the same room, and the endless discussions that preceded his arrival at the Academy “Fine” he mutters “They’re fine”

He does not want to lie, but it is easier than trying to explain how his whole family seems to be slowly unraveling since the Force manifested itself in him. If Luke senses something, he keeps quiet. Ben loves him a little more for that.

“Good, that’s good. Do you miss them?”

Ben has only been in the Academy a week but, somehow, the knowledge that he won’t be seeing his parents any time soon makes the longing all that much stronger. He manages a stiff nod and blinks furiously to prevent any tears from falling down.

“I miss them as well. All the time” Luke says. Ben can feel the truth in his words, and the nostalgia in his eyes mirrors his own.

“Why didn’t you visit then?” He asks, before he can stop himself. After all, the question has been burning in his mind for years now. “I know mom and dad miss you too. Lots”

Luke’s answering smile is filled with sorrow “I know, trust me, I know. But I have a duty, to all the people in this galaxy, to rebuild the Jedi Order. I cannot afford any distractions. Trust me, I would love nothing more than to go visit Leia and Han, and all my other friends. But, if I did that, it would be that much harder to come back, to do what needs to be done. The Republic, my padawans, all the people here in the Academy, need me more right now than Han and Leia.” He pauses and looks at Ben straight on, eyes sad and yet, determined “ _You_ need me more. And I won’t let you down”

Luke has not, and never will, look to Ben as much as the Hero of legend he allegedly is as he does at the moment. Burdened with massive responsibility and the hopes of the whole galaxy, and heart consumed by his yearning for home, his eyes stare determinedly ahead, unafraid, and completely resolute to keep going.

He swears to himself he will not let Master Luke down. He will train as hard as he can and he will help him rebuild the Jedi Order, so they can both go home. Of course, his lofty goal proves to be more difficult to achieve than expected.

It is not a lack of ability.

The Force has been a constant in his life, undefined and abstract at first, and refined through his mother’s training later on. By the time he gets to the Academy the Force is as much a part of him as an arm or a leg. Maybe even more. He can imagine living without a hand, but losing the Force would be like becoming blind, deaf and mute all at once. Compared to his classmates, who have only heard about the Force in myths and stories, he is lightyears ahead. For once in his life Ben is actually _good_ at something. No, not good. He is better. Better than his classmates, better than the older padawans and better than anyone else at the Academy, with the obvious exception of his uncle.

At first his abilities are cause for amazement and admiration, but as he progresses through the ranks, faster than anyone else has done before, amazement and admiration quickly turn to resentment and jealousy. And, just like that, it is like he is back in his old school. The rumors, the looks and the whispers he thought he had left behind come back with a vengeance. While before he was just the good-for-nothing weirdo, he is now the too-good-at-everything one, and he quickly discovers people are more likely to forget your faults if they still feel they are better than you.

When Luke starts tutoring him privately, the rumors reach a crescendo. The tamest ones insinuate his familial relation to Master Skywalker is the cause for the preferential treatment “Even Jedis can play favourites, I guess”. Others try to imply Ben has lied and manipulated to get into Luke’s good graces, that he is not that good, after all.

Ben can feel the anger and resentment, like a dull ache on the back of his head. He ignores it and focuses all his efforts and thoughts into training, but the feelings are there, like sharp nails scratching on duracrete, until it becomes impossible to ignore them.

The exercises, that had been as easy as breathing, become hard and taxing, loneliness, anger and fear slowly bleeding into his mind, like a black and thick liquid that mudies his connection with the Force and hinders his movements. Meditation becomes impossible, neither his mother's techniques, his Uncle’s teachings or Senator Snoke’s little trick seem to help. He pinches himself until his thighs are red and blue all over, but his thoughts and feelings remain a jumbled mess.

“A Jedi does not feel fear, or anger or doubt, my dear Ben.” Advises Master Luke when he senses his turmoil “Remember, ‘There is no emotion, there is peace’. You need to learn to let go, in order to be able to really become one with the the Force. You just need to focus a bit more, you are the most gifted padawan I have, after all. A new hope, for a New Republic”

Instead of encouragement Ben only feels the imposing weight of expectation. He has already disappointed his father and his mother, he cannot disappoint Uncle Luke, who already looks like the fate of the universe rests on his shoulders. So he meditates, and trains and pushes himself to the limit to keep up. Failure is not an option, and nobody needs to know if he falls asleep crying every night, only to be overcome by nightmares.

He is close to his breaking point when some unexpected help arrives in the form of Senator Snoke. Turns out the Senator has been appointed by the Senate as the main liaison between the New Republic and the emergent Jedi Order, and due to Uncle Luke’s busy schedule (and general lack of interest for politics) Ben, as the highest ranking padawan, is assigned to be Senator Snoke’s guide whenever he visits the Academy.

The Senator is exactly as Ben remembers him. Old and frail looking, but more than willing to listen and offer advice. The moment they are alone he finds himself tellun the Senator everything. He talks about his parents’ fights, his Father’s absence, his classmates mockery and pettiness, and his problems connecting with the Force. After months of bottling up emotions, the chance to talk with someone and actually letting himself _feel_ is a relief. The Senator listens attentively, and alternates between nodding in grave understanding and offering his own validating comments.

“Your father should never have abandoned you. It only goes to show his own cowardice and weakness in front of a power he doesn’t understand”

“Your classmates are jealous, they know they’ll never be a match for you, never be able to compare. You should not trouble yourself with their petty comments, for you are above them”

“Master Luke is failing you, he clearly doesn’t understand the Force as well as he proclaims. He is hindering your potential”

Years from now Ben will look back at his conversations with Snoke and see them as the blatant manipulation that they truly are. Making him doubt everything, resent his father, question his Master, isolating him from any possible help, as Snoke steers him towards his downfall. But it will take years, and unaccountable amounts of  blood, tears and suffering, for Ben to know this. For now, he is barely eleven, cracking under pressure, confused and scared, and without anyone else to turn to.

Slowly but surely Snoke weaves his web of lies around Ben. It is laughably easy. Distant parents, few friends and an overworked Master. No one looks close enough, no one notices, and no one stops him. He twists the truth, spins his lies, and poisons Ben’s mind and dreams.

By the time Ben is twelve he has all but forsaken his Father. He blames him for not being there, for not being strong enough for him, for not understanding. Snoke paints Han Solo as a coward and a fool, and that image takes over Ben’s mind, tainting even his most precious his childhood memories and filling them with a resentment that was never there.

His relationship with his mother, even if not nearly as bad, becomes strained and distant. Her holocalls less frequent, their previously pleasant conversations now ending in heated arguments and blame thrown around.

When Ben is thirteen Poe enrolls into the New Republic’s Cadet Academy. The regular correspondence they have been maintaining since Ben was sent to train with Luke is abruptly reduced. The military does not allow much time for its cadets to contact friends and family, and Poe’s letters become rarer and rarer as time goes on. Ben’s only friend is taken from him without Snoke even having to raise a finger to damage their friendship. When Ben and Poe meet again, as soldiers in opposite sides of the war, the former will wonder what would have happened if they had not drifted apart.

He is almost fourteen and Darkness has been filtering through his mind for years now, a black liquid, oily and cold, tainting his every thought. Snoke has taught him to dominate his pain, to harness his anger, and own his fear. Luke has already warned him several times of how his methods thread to close to the Dark Side.

And still, his soul remains Light. He is determined to become a Jedi, to help Luke restore the Jedi Order so they can both go home, once and for all.

“Home?” asks Snoke, his voice heavy with disbelief “What home? Your father is gone, your mother is too busy fighting the Senate, and your dear friend Poe, well, he hasn’t been exactly in touch lately, has he?”

“Mother is only busy because of this kriffing First Order lunatics who have been causing trouble in the Outer Rims.” defends Ben “When the Jedi are ready, we-”

“The Jedi? What makes you think the Jedi will be any better than the Senate in keeping the Peace?”

“We kept the Peace!” explodes Ben “During the Days off the Old Republic, before the Empire! Before Darth Vader…” he hesitates briefly when mentioning his grandfather, but carries on “before Darth Vader destroyed everything.”

“Did he, really?” Questions Snoke. Ben stares at him baffled, in all his life no one has ever questioned Darth Vader’s culpability in the fall of the Jedi. Snoke carries on “The Republic had been at war for years. Despite the Senate, despite the Jedi. Neither of them was strong enough to to end it. Vader was the one who did. He stopped a three year conflict and maintained the Peace for nineteen years. Would probably have been longer if not for the Rebellion”

Ben can barely believe his ears. He has known for years Snoke disagrees with the current politics of the Senate, but again, so does his mother. He never imagined something like this.“He killed the Jedi! He committed terrible crimes under the Empire to keep this _peace_ you speak of”

“He did what needed to be done” Snoke sentences with finality. His voice, usually calm and soft, is now laced with steel “I’m afraid you’ll soon find, my dear boy, that sometimes the best solution is not always as ethical as we would like.”

“Even murder?” asks Ben in disbelief.

“The end justifies the means. The Jedi would have let the war drag on for years, blinded by their ideals, and many more would have perished due to their incompetence.” Anger is now clear in Snoke’s eyes. His whole face contorted in a hateful grimace as he carries on his tirade. Ben starts to feel fear freeze his limbs. “Many more will perish now. The Republic has proven itself to be a woefully inept government, and the Jedi are too weak and scared to keep the Peace”

“We are obviously under resourced!” Snaps Ben “Master Luke had to build the Order back up, but rest assured we will give it all to protect the Republic-”

“‘We, we, we’, how curious that you identify so much with the Jedi, when you are not one of them"

“Yet. I’ll soon become a Jedi”

“Will you? I can feel a great Darkness in you, Ben Solo, I have always felt it. The fear, the resentment, the _anger_ ... They are strong in you, you feel things with great intensity, that’s why your connection with the Force is so strong. The Jedi, your _Master”_ He spat that last word as if it was poison “Would have you crippled, _weak_ , and tied to the Light, before letting you realise your true potential.”

Ben stands up, scared of Snoke and his words, and the small part within him that agrees with them. “You are lying!” He shouts at him “What you are saying is treason, high treason, to the Jedi and to the Republic.”

“Treason it may be, doesn’t make it false. Search within yourself, Ben, you know I’m speaking the truth, as I always have. You know you will never be a Jedi.” Ben wants to leave. Knows he should leave and report Senator Snoke to Luke, but his limbs are paralyzed by fear and his mind is tearing itself apart in doubt, each of Snokes words embedding itself into it like a knife. “Just as your parents and your Uncle knew it. Why do you think Han Solo left? Why your mother is barely able to look at you? Why your uncle keeps you at arm's’ length even when you are his most advanced disciple?”

“That’s not- What you” Ben tries to refute Snoke’s accusation, but the words seem to get tangled and stuck in his throat, and Darkness clogs his mind making it difficult to think.

“There is too much Darkness in you, you will never be able to follow the path of the Jedi, will never fit in with them.” Snoke has stood up and is now advancing on Ben. Ben tries to step back but he soon finds himself against the wall, Senator Snoke towering over him, his cold clammy hand caressing his face. “You never fitted with them. You have always been alone, you were alone when I first met you, in the Senate offices in Hosnian Prime, and you are alone now. You try to make yourself into something you are not, and all for the Great Lie that is the Republic”

Ben feels a whimper escape his lips, and he pushes himself further into the wall, closing his eyes and turning his head to get away from Snoke’s cold hand. Darkness swirls madly in his head.

“You can turn me in, if you wish. Go to Skywalker and tell him I plan to end the Republic. But, before you do, I would advise you take a look at this… little gift I have bought you”

And just like that Senator Snoke is gone. Ben slides down the wall to crumple on the floor. His breath is coming in strangled gasps and his heart is beating a madly against his ribcage. He sits there until he feels his panic start to abate. When he finally forces himself to open his eyes, he encounters Snoke’s gift. A big black helmet, its features damaged and twisted in a grotesque grimace.

Darth Vader’s helmet.

Ben knows what he has to do, take the helmet to Master Luke and identify Senator Snoke as a conspirator and possible traitor to the Republic. It is the right, logical, sensible thing to do, and Ben cannot find a reason for why he is hesitating. Maybe it is the Darkness, slithering like poison across his mind, maybe it is childish curiosity for the relic of the grandfather he never knew, and maybe it is just some remnant of loyalty to a man who showed him some kindness in his darkest hours.

Whatever the cause, Ben takes the helmet, carefully hidden under his robes, to his quarters, and keeps the secret of Snoke’s treason for himself.

He goes back to his training with Master Luke with a renewed sense of purpose, and tries to ignore the shadows of doubt spreading through his mind. However, it becomes harder to ignore them when the first reports start to arrive. The First Order are finally on the move,  several systems on the Outer Rims have already fallen under their rule. He waits and waits for the New Republic to do something, anything, against them. But the Senate just deliberates, and deliberates, without coming to any real solution.

He turns his hopes to his Uncle, waiting for him to mobilise the Jedi against the new enemy of the Republic. But, just like the Senate, his Master Luke does nothing.

“The Jedi are not soldiers, Ben” He replies calmly when Ben questions him about his passivity. “We cannot lead an attack on the First Order all by ourselves”

“We wouldn’t be by ourselves” Argues Ben “My mother has enough people-”

“Leia’s Resistance fighters are not sanctioned by the Republic. The Jedi will only fight if, and only if, the Republic orders them to”

“Who cares about the Republic?” Ben feels anger and frustration mounting at his Master’s words “Or the Jedi Code? It’s not like it hasn’t been broken before, Revan fought against the Mandalorians, defying Council’s orders, and saved the Republic, he was a hero”

“He was a monster” Master Luke’s words are hard and final “He may have defeated the Mandalorians, but he did so at the cost of millions of lives and his own soul. Is that a price you would be willing to pay, my young padawan?”

Ben shakes his head and keeps his opinion to himself. Truly, a million lives and his own soul seem a good price to pay to keep the Peace, many more will day fighting the First Order, and it will not bring them victory any faster.

He starts to wonder if that was why his grandfather turned to the Dark Side, if losing himself was the price he paid to achieve Peace. He remembers Snoke’s words, about the Jedi and the Republic, and to his horror finds himself agreeing with him on some points. The realisation fills him with a sense of dread, what if Snoke was right about him as well? What if he is unfit to be a Jedi?

He tries to push the thoughts from his mind, but they cling on stubbornly, predating on the Darkness, fear, and anger that have been now clouding his mind for months. He tries meditating next to the Force tree, hoping it will help clear his mind as it has many times before, but the golden song is drowned under the storm raging in his head.

He spends days struggling with himself, feeling like he is being torn apart. He is unfocused during training and his nights are spent turning in bed in an endless discussion with his own traitorous conscience. After his eighth sleepless night, he gives up. He will tell Master Luke everything, he decides, about Snoke, Darth Vader’s helmet and his own failings as a Jedi, as he should have done months ago. He clearly underestimated Snoke and the power of his words, but there is still time to amend the mistake.

Resolution made, he hurries to his room to collect the only piece of evidence he has in his possession. He unearths Vader’s helmet from the dirty laundry basket where he had hidden it in a panic all those months back and takes a moment to observe it carefully. The helmet looks exactly as it did back then. The edges blunt and rubbery, and the mouthpiece mostly crumbled in, the already terrifying visage made even more so after being marred in fire.

He smooths a hand over it, feeling its coarse texture under his palm, and wonders if his grandfather ever felt as conflicted about his chosen path. Both Snoke and his mother painted Darth Vader as an impeccable agent of the Dark Side, resolutely driven in his mission to bring the Galaxy to its knees. His uncle has told him about his turn back to the Light at the end, of course. It is, after all, the ultimate redemption story, and a cautionary tale for all aspiring Jedi, on how everyone ends up regretting the Dark Side.

“Did you doubt yourself all these years?” He asks the helmet “Fight your own thoughts to complete your mission?”

The helmet remains silent, its empty eye sockets staring back at him. Ben snorts quietly to himself.

“I wish you could show me how you did it” He murmurs, forehead pressed against the deformed visor. When no answer is forthcoming, he sighs, and resignedly closes his eyes.

And his mind is swallowed in Darkness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That was hard to write. I realised we were given almost no background on why Ben Solo fell to the Dark Side in the first place. I mean, the Vader-fanboy and the teenage-angst theories are good for laughs on the Internet, but don't really feel like good enough reasons for someone doing what Ben did. Also I don't think I managed to get Luke quite right, and I think Snoke came off as a bit more obvious than I intended. Oh, well.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So glad I'm done with this chapter! This one and the Third chapter were supposed to be a single one, but it grew legs, and horns and wings and got the hell away from me. Same as with the previous one I struggled to make Ben's fall belivable, without making him an unrelatable pschyo. I think I kind of succeeded...?
> 
> On the good side - Rey finally appears! She was a delight to write as a baby, and will be quite different when she reappears as an adult, but it was nice to have the second main character finally make an appearance.
> 
> Warnings: Snoke keeps on creeping, and Ben starts his descent to the Dark Side, with padawn slaughter and mind manipulation included.

The visions come sudden and fast, flashing away before Ben is fully able to process their meaning.

Some of them are completely foreign, bright flashes of apparently random events - A young couple kissing on a flower crowded balcony. What appears to be two Jedi Knights, fighting each other, in a world on fire. An old man wandering alone through the desert. 

Others feel more familiar, echoes of  the stories his parents used to tell him at bedtime - Imperial stormtroopers and warships spreading across the galaxy. A decrepit looking old man sitting on a throne, a familiar black-clad figure standing by his side. Master Luke, younger than he has ever known him, fighting Darth Vader, anger stark clear on his face and each swing of his saber.

The last set are blurry and undefined - His  mother, much older than he remembers, surrounded by dead bodies and blood, tears in her eyes. A masked bounty hunter abandoning a frightened child in a lost island. A Jedi Knight standing in front of a tribunal, while hundreds of people clamor for his head.

The visions stops as abruptly as they came, and Ben is pulled back into reality with a gasp. He is still sitting in his small cot, holding Vader’s helmet in trembling hands. His heart is beating thousand parsecs an hour, and his body is bathed in cold sweat, limbs heavy and numb. He can hear his own breathing, coming loud and fast against the empty silence of the room. He raises his head, and barely manages to stifle the panicked cry that escapes from his throat at the being now standing in front of him.

It looks like a macabre cross between a human male and a machine. Cables and metal plates merge and twist across its face and body, small bits of pale and scarred flesh visible in between the machinery and dark clothing. Its breathing is slow and ragged, like air resonating within a rusty metal box.

Ben can feel panic clawing at his throat, as Darth Vader’s helmet slips from numb fingers, clanking loudly against the stone tiled flooring of the room. He watches it roll lazily on the floor before snapping his gaze back to his ghostly visitor. The apparition is starting back at him, impassive. Ben swallows before speaking, words coming out in a frightened stutter.

“Who- who are you?  _ What _ are you?”

“Ben…” Its voice is deep, if somewhat distorted and mechanised. “You called me here, so I came”

“I-I called you? How- what-” Ben stammers in response, until he sees the pointed look the apparition is giving the the helmet now lying on the floor. “...Vader? You are Darth Vader?” The figure nods slowly, its gaze fixed on Ben, eyes blood red and feverish “But why- why now? I had the helmet for months, I-”

“You were not ready. You were blinded by the Light” Darth Vader’s shade extends a ghostly hand towards him. Ben can only stare, frozen in fear, as its pale fingers ghost over his face, leaving a trail of cold on his cheek. “So focused on its radiance you could not see anything else. But the rumors of War have made your sight waver, my dear child, and you can finally see the shadows that surround it.”

Ben opens his mouth to protest, ashamed at having his doubts and fears so easily exposed by this apparition, but the hand that had been caressing his face suddenly grasps it in a steely grip. His jaw hurts from the force of it, and he breathes through loudly his nose as he tries to fight back panicked tears. His grandfather’s ghost keeps on talking, unfazed by his apparent discomfort, and his words are a cold black oil spreading over Ben’s mind.

“There’s no need to be afraid. There is no Light without Dark, after all. You now can see  _ more.  _ More than the lies told by the New Republic and the Jedi. You can see their  _ peace  _ and their  _ democracy _ for what they truly are, merely smoke and mirrors to conceal their failure and weakness. Order cannot be achieved by rambling senators, prattling about their trifling affairs. Or maintained by warriors to scared of their own power. Order is set with blood and reinforced with fear”

Ben tries shaking his head, but his grandfather’s grip remains strong, forcing him to keep on looking at his mangled face. He chooses to close his eyes instead, trying to escape Vader’s manic gaze.

“The End justifies the means, you know that. Only the Dark Side is powerful enough to bring true order to the Galaxy, to  _ keep it.  _ You know I’m right, you’ve thought it yourself  before. War is coming, my dear child, and neither your Uncle’s Jedi nor your mother’s Senate will be strong enough to stop it. They are blinded by Light, limited by their own sense of righteousness, they would sooner save their holy souls and their precious morals than the galaxy. But you… You are like me, a true heir to my legacy. You would gladly lay down your life to end all this suffering. Let me help you, my grandson. Let me show you the true power of the Dark Side”

The shadows that had been plaguing his mind seem to come alive, Darkness spreading fast and impeccable through every feeling, every thought, dripping into the very essence of his being. He feels its power, spicy and sickly sweet in his mouth, spreading through his numbed limbs, feeding of his fear, of the sharp pain on his jaw. It’s addictive, wonderful and terrible all at once. The Force flows through him like it never has before, a rush of mad unrestricted power. He feels like a raging storm, a fiery volcano, a shattering earthquake, the whole Galaxy at his fingertips.

The rush ends as suddenly ass it started. The shadows retreat once more to linger at the edges of his mind and the raw power running through his veins peters out and dies, leaving Ben dizzy and aching for it. His grandfather’s specter is also gone, even if his voice remains as a whisper, promising power and greatness.

All thoughts of confessing to Master Luke are gone. The brief tantalising glimpse of the Dark Side he has experience too fresh in his mind, too tempting and dangerous. He quickly stuffs Vader’s helmet back into the laundry basket and wills himself to sleep, hoping his newfound guilt will not be able to follow him into his dreams.

Instead he dreams of war, endless war tearing the galaxy apart, while he is forced to watch, unable to intervene, his uncle reminding him of his duty to the Order. 

When he wakes up the next day he feels off-kilter, his connection with the Force is frayed, and he can still hear Darth Vader’s voice whispering at the back of his mind. He tries to go about business as usual, struggling through his exercises and training, but the voice haunts his every waking thought and sleeping dream. It questions everything, his Master's teachings, his mother's words, his fellow padawans’ actions. By the end of the week Ben is doubting every little thing he had held as certain. As more weeks pass, he is less and less able to distinguish his own thoughts from the ones whispered to him by his grandfather’s ghost.

After six months he holocalls Senator Snoke, his decision made.

“I’ll help you. I’ll help you bring Order to the Galaxy, as my grandfather did before me. Just teach me  _ how”  _

“Of course, my dear child, I’ll teach you everything you need to know, turn you into a warrior worthy of Darth Vader’s legacy, and we will bring Peace to the galaxy”

Ben nods eagerly, pushing his doubts and fear aside, focusing instead on the approval in grandfather’s voice. He is following the right path. Master Luke always says the right choices are not always the easier ones. No matter what he needs to do, what he needs to go through, he will gladly sacrifice himself to prevent another full out war. 

Dedicating himself to the Dark Side turns out to be harder than expected. After years of having shadows hovering and hunting his every thought, Ben had thought giving in to them would be easy. After all, the Dark Side is supposed to be the easy path, tempting and effortless, unlike the strict and demanding teachings of the Light. Master Luke tells them again and again, how easy it is to give in into its sweet temptation, to draw power from anger and be overcome by it.

Ben’s experience turns out to be quite different. He tries to draw on his usual fears, the upcoming war, his mother’s disappointment, his father’s lack of understanding, but they all fail to increase the Darkness in his heart. He  draws on his anger, which has always come easy to him, from his childhood tantrums to the more recent resentment at his father’s abandonment or his Master’s passivity. Yet no amount of shouting and raging seem to work. He screams until his throat is raw, and punches the training dummies until his knuckles are torn and bloody. Both his fear and his anger are rooted into his love for his family, and when he is done crying and raging, all that remains is a warm longing for  _ home. _

Instead of discouraging him, his failures only strengthen his determination. He spends as much time as he can communing with Darth Vader’s spectre. It is incredibly easy to reach for the Dark Side with his grandfather’s help. Darkness fills his mind, sweet and addictive, and  _ not enough.  _ At the end of the day, Ben Solo does not so much fall into the Dark Side as awkwardly stumble into it. Slowly and painstakingly filling his heart with fabricated fears and misdirected anger, binding it all together with clumsy attempts at self-inflicted pain, and stubbornly ignoring that the base for all of it is made of Light.

He spends months on his self training and can almost feel his goal within reach when there is quite an upheaval at the Academy over a new youngling’s arrival. “The youngest  _ ever _ ” “I heard she was so powerful Master Luke could feel her awakening all across the Galaxy” “ _ I  _ heard she can already levitate things, all by herself” Ben learned how to levitate things all by himself when he was nine, but it is not like any of his fellow padawan’s is ever going to be willing to recognise him for anything else but his legacy. Still, he is as curious as everyone else at the new arrival, and crowds with the rest of the students at the balcony overlooking the hangar to get a glimpse of their newest member.

As first impressions go, the new youngling is quite a disappointment. Master Luke carries her off the ship himself, as she gently snores against his shoulder, apparently exhausted by the long trip over. From what Ben can see of her she is but a slip of a human girl. Hardly old enough to be carrying out any of the feats with the Force the rumors attributed to her. 

He leaves the hangar fully expecting all the rumors to shortly disappear and the little girl to be no more than another youngling amongst dozens. Unfortunately for him, it turns out she has quite a different idea.

A few days since the new arrival Ben is just coming out of his morning shower when he hears a small accented voice speak behind him. 

“Hi, I’m Rey Kenobi and I’m five years old, very nice to meet you” He turns abruptly to find the  new youngling standing before him. She is in the middle of the boy’s communal fresher, in her beige clothes, mindless of the weird looks she is getting from the older padawans. Ben himself included. He clutches the towel around his waist and stares balefully at her.

“What?” he manages to squeak out after a while, voice breaking in the middle, and immediately flushes in embarrassment.

“My name is Rey Kenobi” repeates the girl, making sure to clearly enunciate her words this time. She extends her hand to him. “It is a pleasure to meet you”

Ben is unable to do much else but keep on clutching his towel and staring at Rey in confusion while the other padawans snicker behind his back, apparently finding his predicament hilarious. Well, he would love to see what they would do if they were ambushed just out of the shower by a tiny fiver year old on a mission to make nice. The girl is apparently immune to the snickers and the awkwardness she has caused because she just withdraws her hand with a resigned sigh before carrying on, unperturbed. 

“Master Luke told me you were named after my grandfather, Ben Kenobi. He was a Jedi Master with the Old Republic and he-”

“I know who  _ Obi-Wan  _ Kenobi was, thank you” interrupts Ben brusquely, before she has the chance to launch into what looks to be a lengthy explanation of her grandfather’s life and deeds. Rey nods, apparently satisfied about his level of information on their shared legacy.

“So I thought it was only right I introduced myself to you, seeing as we’re family” She extends her hand again, this time accompanied by a bright grin, obviously ecstatic at making his acquaintance.

Ben’s first instinct is to snap at her that they are most definitely  _ not family _ , and that the one he has is trouble enough as it is without the need to add long-lost mentor figures into the mix. But she just looks so damn earnest and determined, her tiny hand valiantly stretched out between them, that his irritation dies out almost instantly. Before he can question himself he stretches the hand currently not attached to his towel and gives her a quick handshake.

“Ben Solo, but you already knew that. Nice to meet you, I guess”

He is rewarded with a blinding smile and before he knows it Rey is saying goodbye and bouncing out of the communal fresher, as casual as you please. Ben is left standing there in his towel and trying to figure out what has just happened.

“Kenobi, eh?” he hears one of the students mutter in the back “Guess we now know what was so special about her. Another heiress to live of her ancestor’s fame and -ugh”

Ben flings his soap bar at his mouth before he has a chance to finish and promptly stalks out of the fresher. Ignorant fools could not even imagine the weight a single name can carry.

After their bizarre first meeting Rey stubbornly makes herself part of Ben’s life, following him around whenever she can and talking nonstop about their shared relative, dear old Obi Wan Kenobi. Even when he manages to sit her down and make her understand that his name does not, in fact, make him her relative or  _ anything like it,  _ she just shrugs before declaring she “likes him anyway” and carrying on as if the conversation had not happened. When he complains to Master Luke about it he just smiles benevolently down at him and declares it good for him to learn more about his namesake. Because, apparently, the legacy of Darth Vader, Padmé Amidala, Leia Organa and Han Solo was not quite enough.

All he needs to know (all he  _ wants _ to know) about Obi-Wan Kenobi he already did before Rey’s arrival. He had been Anakin Skywalker’s Master before his turn to the Dark Side. Had been the man who dared to try and prevent his Grandfather from achieving greatness, who had almost succeeded in killing him. So no, he does not care to know about Kenobi anymore than he already does, for in the end he was just a fool like the rest of the Jedi. Still, Master Snoke advises him to keep a close eye on Kenobi’s granddaughter, to make sure she does not become an obstacle to their plants. So Ben resignedly lets Rey stick to him like an orbalisk all day long, and prattle about Grandpa Kenobi this and Master Skywalker that. He even lets himself enjoy her company, her mind is, after all, the most calming presence he has ever met so far, pure white warmth, so bright it’s almost blinding and yet incredibly comforting. He justifies his attachment by telling himself Rey is unlikely to become a threat to his Master’s plans when she still struggles to tie her own robes properly most of the time.

When rain season starts that year Ben welcomes it. The constant pouring rain means Academy personnel choose to spend most time indoors, only venturing out to the main dome for classes (or in the case of some older padawans to sneak into their lover's bed at night, when no one is looking). Like this no one notices him sneaking out at night to holocall Master Snoke or to commune with his grandfather’s spectre. The night of a particularly nasty storm he is relaxing back in his room after three hours of painful, relentless training under the rain, when his door slides open.

“Rey?” he asks identifying his late visitor “What in all stars are you doing here?”

Rey is completely drenched and shivering, her Rebel pilot dummy doll clutched to her chest, and her usually calm and bright mind is awash by fear. “I don’t like the thunder. It’s loud and scary” she declares, voice trembling “Can I stay with you?”

“Stay with- No! You can’t definitely not stay with me!” he snaps, thinking of Darth Vader’s helmet hidden under his bed and the half built red saber on his desk. He can not afford to be discovered now, not when he is so close.

“But I’m scared!” whines Rey, sounding (and looking) absolutely miserable. Ben starts to feel his resolve crumble a bit. “I’ll be very quiet, pleaaase”

“A Jedi does not feel fear, remember? You need to control your emotions if you want to be a- oh, blast” Rey has decided to just ignore him and is already climbing into his bed and burrowing under the covers, wet clothes and all.

“Please?” She is now looking at him with pleading eyes, her trust in him apparent even amongst the fear in her mind.

“Fine” decides Ben. And to hell with it all. He’s tired and aching all over, and he wants nothing more than to go to sleep. So he gives up and gets himself under the covers.

Rey is quick to curl against his side, still wet and shivering, her cold nose nestled against his neck and her feet burrowing under his shirt to rest on his stomach. She is out cold in little to no time. Ben lets a resigned sigh escape him as he tries to adjust to a more comfortable position. He should be focusing on his mission, learning to embrace the Dark Side once and for all, to become a Sith Lord worthy of the legacy of Darth Vader. He does not think Sith Lords let their beds be invaded by frightened little girls afraid of a little thunder. Or be kicked in the ribs by them either. 

Despite everything, that night he has the best sleep in weeks. Rey’s mind a warm, calming beacon shielding him from his usual nightmares.

It soon becomes a routine. Every time there’s a storm Rey will sneak into Ben’s room (even when he is not there) and make herself at home in his bed, wet, cold and annoying, and still impossible for him to turn away. So every morning he finds himself carrying a sleeping Rey back to her quarters to make sure she does not get in trouble with her teacher. Some Dark Lord he is, indeed, whispers a voice in his mind, sounding suspiciously like his mother’s. He shuts it down by reasoning that the less attention he brings to Rey’s escapades, the less chance there is of someone looking to hard into his own.

His life has become a bizarre routine. He trains with Master Luke and the other padawans by day, and with Master Snoke by night. Each lesson the complete opposite as the one that came before. It seems like all his new training has managed to do is tear him apart even more, instead of helping him fully embrace the Dark Side as it was supposed to. He is still tittering on the edge when Snoke commands him to destroy the Jedi Academy.

His first instinct is to refuse, to disobey his new Master’s orders, most of the Jedi padawans are still children, like Rey, innocent and untrained and virtually incapable of posing any serious threat. And yet. Compassion was Vader’s downfall. His mercy for his own son was the weakness that prevented him from fulfilling his destiny to bring order to the Galaxy. Ben cannot afford to make the same mistake.

The night of the attack is a rainy one. Master Luke has left the planet on one of his scouting missions to find more Force-Sensitive children, leaving the Academy without its most stalwart protector. There are still the older padawans to account for, of course. Even if none of them comes close to Ben in terms of raw power, they are skilled and trained, and some of them pretty close to becoming fully fledged knights.

Snoke sends him back up in the form of the so-called ‘Knights of Ren’. As far as Ben can tell on meeting them they are just a band of thugs, rough and unpolished, with just the barest understanding of the Force and all the discipline of a pack of rabid dogs. They provide him with light battle armour and a helmet, kneel before him and call him ‘Master’ and yet, for all their apparent servitude Ben knows they will not hesitate to stab him in the back should he fail to carry out his orders. For all Master Snoke speaks of his confidence in him, he does not seem willing to gamble his plans on Ben’s ability to avoid repeating his grandfather’s mistake.

They attack at midnight. Rain is now pouring down mercilessly, and Ben can barely see anything through the slit in his helmet. He ignites his newly built lightsaber, the blade crackles and thrums violently, and he has to concentrate to prevent it from flying out of his grip. The Knights make quick work of the guards, their fighting skills as brutal and unrefined as expected, yet thankfully also as efficient. When Ben steps over the dead bodies, with their eyes open and staring vacantly at nothing, his mind flashes back to Jacko, his first unwitting kill back in Yavin 4, he remembers feeling his life filter out and the sound of his head smashing against the wall. Bile threatens to rise in his throat at the memory but he pushes it down and keeps his eyes looking ahead. He cannot afford to look back. Back are Ben Solo’s memories, and Ben Solo will die today, along with all the Jedi. If he looks back he is lost.

Their next opponents are not as easily dispatched. A group of four older padawans, probably awakened by the deaths of the guards stand in their path, sabers lit up and the Force gathered around them. One of them opens his mouth to speak, probably to question them, to warm them off. No one will ever know. Ben lunges at him before he has a chance to utter a word, using surprise to his advantage to quickly gain the upper hand in the duel. The Knights of Ren follow his lead, facing off against the rest of the Jedi. 

Ben’s lightsaber is unstable at best and completely unwieldy at worst, making it impossible for him to adopt his prefered combat forms. Thankfully for him, the unpredictability of his movements works in his favour against his opponents textbook Makashi moves. He easily finds an opening  and takes advantage of it, spearing the padawan through the chest. He feels the death like a tear on the Force, a gaping wound of cold sticky Darkness on his mind, raw and painful. He takes his blade out of the dead body and swiftly engages his next opponent, an older togruta female bravely holding her own against two Knights. It does not take long to subdue her or the rest of her two companions, but by the time the four padawans are dead, more students have appeared on the  grounds.

Some of them carry their lightsabers, but the majority are unarmed, the Force their only weapon. Ben looks into their faces, scared but resolute, willing to stand their ground. He can feel the deaths of the four padawans they just killed, the wrongness of it staining his mind. The only way is forward, no matter what he has to do, there is no going back. When he raises his blade and slices a young boy in two he can feel something inside him shatter into a thousand pieces, sharp edges digging into his mind with every swing of his saber, tearing it apart with every death at his hands. He feels tears running down his face, and is immensely thankful for the mask hiding his features so the Knights cannot see his weakness.

The Academy grounds become littered with bodies and swallowed in blood. Ben (is he even allowed to call himself Ben after this?) can feel guilt like a cord tightly wrapped around his neck. He finally remembers Master Luke’s words about some prices being to high, and understands fulfilling his grandfather’s legacy may cost him something more valuable than his life.

He feels her presence before he even sees her. Her familiar warmth is a welcome respite in the midst of the cold blackness that has taken over his mind, he embraces it readily, starved for the calm feeling that comes with it, only to be jolted out by a sudden spike of panic. He turns, just in time to see little Rey crumbled on the floor, a Knight of Ren poised above her, weapon raised and ready to strike.

His reaction is purely led by instinct. He drives his lightsaber through the chest of the attacking Knight without a second thought. It is only as he watches him crumble to the ground, and feels the other Knights turn their attention to him that he stops and realizes the potential implications of his act. Before him Rey lays in the mud, her panicked tears mingling with the rain pouring down her face, and her small chest heaving as she draws on stuttering breaths.

As he advances on her he knows what he needs to do. What is expected. Master Snoke’s words repeat on his mind. Mercy is a weakness. Compassion killed your grandfather. A true follower of the Dark Side should be absolutely ruthless. Implacable.

But with every step he takes he feels the weight of each and every one of his kills dragging him down. His mind is torn and bleeding, the wounds still raw and stinging as they are consumed by cold and thick darkness. He is hanging on to his sanity but by a thread and knows that killing this little girl, who happily proclaimed him her family and has always looked at him with nothing but trust and affection, would sever it beyond repair. He is already crumbling, coming apart at the seams, but he refuses to let Rey’s murder be what finally pushes him over the edge. His hands are covered in blood and there is nothing but pain and death in his immediate future. He can allow himself the luxury of saving Rey before the Dark Side fully takes his soul, that will happen soon enough without needing the add that particular death to his tally.

“I’ll take care of the girl” He tells the remaining Knights, keeping his focus on Rey’s terrified face, and immensely thankful for the voice modulator in his mask. “The heir of Kenobi will meet a proper end. You can take care of the rest. I’ll meet you back at the rendezvous point.”

He turns his saber off and uses the Force to knock Rey unconscious. He picks her small body up and, without turning to see if the Knights are following his orders, takes off in the direction of the Academy’s hangar. As he walks the first lines of a plan start forming in his mind. He knows he cannot take Rey back to his Master, Snoke has already expressed his will to see Kenobi’s line extinguished in multiple occasions. He considers taking her to Hosnian Prime, leaving her with his mother, but quickly discards the idea. Too risky. News of the Fall of the Academy will spread fast, and his mother will be able to feel him approaching from miles away. Both her and Skywalker will be able to feel Rey as well, if he were to leave her in any of the Core systems, but if she stays with them she will remain Rey Kenobi, and the target on her back will only grow bigger as she grows into her powers. He needs to take her somewhere no one will think to look. Not Master Snoke, not his mother, or former Master. Somewhere out of the way.

He arrives to the hangar and picks a common cargo freighter for his escape, unassuming and difficult to trace. Once inside he locks Rey down in the cargo bay and reinforces the Force command to keep her unconscious before settling himself in the pilot’s chair. His piloting skills still leave much to be desired, but the freighter’s autopilot systems are good quality and should be enough to get him where he needs to go. As he flies out he can see the Academy from the pilot’s viewport, fire spreading through the buildings and into the surrounding forest, taking all that remains of the New Jedi Order with it.

Once he is safely out of the planet’s atmosphere he evaluates his options, pulling out a map and going through the different systems to decide on the best option for Rey. He quickly discards the Outer Rim planets, the ones not controlled by the First Order are under the domain of the Hutts or other criminal lords, hardly a safe place for a young girl. The Core already discarded, he focuses on the Mid Rim, separate enough from the Core, but still somewhat civilized. He browses through different planets, Bothawui, Coyerti, Gan Moradir, Ithor, until he zeroes in a lonely planet on the edge of the Rim, on the region known as the Western Reaches. Jakku. The last stand of the Empire and a backwater planet practically cut off from the rest of the Galaxy. Life would be harsh, but safe, nobody on Jakku would ask any unwanted questions that may risk discovery. Decision made he sets the course and lets the autopilot fly the ship towards its destination.

With the destination solved, he focuses on his next problem. Rey is still asleep, which makes his next task easier. Carefully he delves into her mind, taking care not to disturb her, and one by one, picks her memories of the Academy and hides them, deep into her most inner subconscious. He twists and pulls at the more resistant memories, transforming them into abstract concepts. Her memories of him he leaves more or less intact, he will need them for the final stage of his plan to work.

He finishes his work just as the ship enters Jakku atmosphere. His hair sticks to his face, and sweat coats his whole body, mixing with the blood, mud and rain from the Academy. He has discarded his helmet sometime ago, its limited vision and heavy weight making him claustrophobic and damaging his focus.

He guides the ship down on the outskirts of Niima outpost and goes to wake Rey up before descending the ship.

“...Ben?” she stares at him confused, her memories are all blurry and scattered, and he almost regrets what he has done to her until he remembers it is for her own good. “Where are we?”

“Shhh, don’t worry” he calms her down, using the Force to reinforce his words. “I need you to come with me.”

“Come where?” Rey is reluctant, even with her memories dulled and buried her instincts clearly remain sharp and alert, her body is tense and her mind agitated, obviously aware of the wrongness of the situation but unable to identify the reasoning behind it.

“To a safe place. You are in danger, and we need you to take you somewhere safe” He hurries her along as he speaks, down the entry ramp and into the scorching heat of Jakku. He would like nothing more than to explain things properly to alleviate her distress, but his time is limited. Take too long and the Knights and Master Snoke will get suspicious, he is already risking enough as it is. 

He half guides half drags a reluctant Rey through the wandering stalls of Niima outpost, murmuring half-hearted reassurances to her as he skims the minds of different marketers and scavengers, trying to find a suitable guardian willing to take her in. After several efforts a name keeps popping up. Unkar Plutt, the junkboss in charge of the scavenging operation.

Arranging a meeting via one of Plutt’s thugs is easy enough, name dropping the First Order and accompanying his request with a small Force push. After that all left to do is wait. At his side Rey grows increasingly impatient, her jumbled memories anything  but reassuring, and she clings to his side with all the desperation of the drowning, him being the only known variable she now recognizes. He dips into her mind again, checking his handiwork for any mistakes. The impression he left is still there, blurry memories of a happy family followed by an unknown danger.

Unkar Plutt arrives alone, blindingly secure of his position and power within Niima. All the better for Ben, the less witnesses there are the better.

“My boys tell me you have some… business you want to take care off” questions Plutt, as his eyes search Ben and Rey, probably categorizing each and every item they are carrying and assessing its value. “Wonder what a nice looking boy like you would want in a place like this”

“I have… something I need taken care off. And no questions asked” He can feel Plutt’s interest pick up on the last bit, his rotten mind no doubt already running calculations to decide on the price of silence. He is a rotten being, from what Ben can see of his mind, only concerned with profit and his own skin. He hesitates about leaving Rey here, wondering if he should try for another planet, a better caretaker. But quickly discards the idea, by the time he finds a better option Master Snoke will have discovered his disobedience and both their lives will be at risk. Plutt is not the best choice, but he is the only one he has.

“A little something, eh? What would that be? A stolen ship? Some contraband droid to be taken apart…?”

“The girl” His answer seems to startle Plutt., and it definitely upsets Rey who tries to disentangle herself from him in shock. He grabs her arm before she is able to escape.

“I don’t deal in slave traffic, boy. I prefer to leave that to the Hutts and other undesirable kung on the Outer Rim”

“No slave, a worker. A scavenger. Our parents were killed in an accident, we managed to escape, but I… I cannot carry her with me, not where I’m going” It’s a lie, but it has enough truth within it that he is able to make it sound convincing.

Unkar Plutt seems to ruminate his offer. Probably considering the advantages of free labour versus the risk of taking in a completely random stranger. Meanwhile Rye struggles in his grasp. “I don’t want to stay with him! I want to go with you! You can’t leave me here!”

As much as her protests pain him, he is grateful on how well they fit with the cover he just provided.

“I have plenty of scavengers working for me already, why should take on an inexperienced brat?”

“I’ll pay you. I can cover her sustenance for a few months, enough for her to be trained and make her own living.”

“Two years of maintenance rations. And double that fee if you ever want to take her back, it’s the minimum to cover the investment I’m making”

Ben has no plans to ever come back, two years maintenance seem fair enough. Rey should be able to fare better by herself by the time she is seven. She has always been a resourceful kid, and although her memories are gone the Force is still strong within her. She will survive, and will have to suffice.

“Done” He takes out his credit chip and hands it out to Plutt, who eagerly takes it and plugs it into a rough looking machine. The import he types down far exceeds what two year rations should be, but Ben lets it slide, unwilling to drag on the negotiation any longer than necessary.

Rey is now openly crying.

“Don’t leave me here, please, please don’t leave me here” She has returned to clinging to his robes, and struggles when Unkar Plutt grabs her, doing all she can to scurry away from the junkboss and back to Ben.

Ben kneels in front of her and unsuccessfully tries to wipe the tears and snot off her face. What little remains of his now blackened heart breaks at her pain. Her mind, which used to be bright, warm and calm, is a jumbled mess of missing memories and half remembered thoughts, clouded by fear at losing her last remaining security.

"I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I can’t take you with me now, but I'll come back, sweetheart. I promise." Unsurprisingly his words do little to calm her down. He reluctantly rises and steps away as Plutt deposits his huge deformed paw on her tiny should, effectively restraining her from chasing after him.

Her cries chase him all the way back to the freighter. It is only as he shuts the entry ramp that he allows himself one last peek into her mind, now overcome by grief. He breathes in, steeling himself, before he carefully removes the last traces of her memories that could lead back to him. His name, his face and all their shared memories. He leaves her with just a concept, the title she first bestowed upon him on their first meeting. Family.

Let her cling to that. A family that never existed and will never come back, even if the feelings and longing are true, scavenged from her true memories, and strong enough to keep her tied to Jakku, waiting in eternal hope.

He is able to make the rendezvous point with the Knights of Ren earlier than he expected. He receives a few inquisitive looks, but none of them dares to question him when he declares Kenobi’s legacy over for good. Neither does his Master as he kneels before him and swears his allegiance. Why should they? Rey Kenobi is as dead as Ben Solo, and he pushes her memory to the same dark corner of his mind where he keeps his.

When he raises again, he does so as Kylo Ren, Master of the Knights of Ren and faithful disciple of Supreme Leader Snoke. Ben Solo and Rey Kenobi lay with the burned remnants of his past, to be left and forgotten about. He can only look ahead now, there is nothing left for him to come back to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And now we are done with the Jedi Academy and it's time for First Order shenanigans. Next chapter sees the introduction of Lt. Hux, Officer Phasma and some OC's to cover Kylo Ren's first years on the Order.
> 
> Some references in this chapter:  
> Vader's ghost: it's look was inspired by some of the drawings on "The Art of Star Wars: The Force Awakens" book, which show Vader's ghost as a half machine hybrid  
> Kung: Huttese for "scum”  
> No looking back: shamelessly took that theme from Dany’s arc in ASOIAF. She keeps her eyes on the goal by refusing to look back (If I look back, I’m lost). I thought it would fit for Ben and his endless remorse and conflict.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally an update! I'm very sorry for the delay in this one, I've started work on a second fic and have had to split my writing time between the two. Like last two chapters, this one has become longer than initially planned. The plan was to cover all of Kylo's time with the First Order before the events of TFA in one chapter, but I could not fit everything so it will end up split up in two (please, let it be just two). 
> 
> As you all probably expected Kylo acts pretty much like a dickhead through most of the chapter, as befitting a recently turned Dark Side disciple. On the good side, Hux, Phasma and a new OC make their debut in the story (plus some famous name drops).
> 
> As always, comments are greatly appreciated, and if you want you can find me on tumblr, my writing blog is dailandin.

In the end, life with the First Order turns out to be not so different from life in the Jedi Academy. Snoke’s current base is located in a non-inhabited planet on the edges of the Unknown Regions. The austere and sparse buildings that make up the complex are eerily reminiscent of those on the Academy. Even his assigned room looks mostly the same. And, just like in the Academy, most of his time is spent in complete isolation.

The minimal staff, mostly consisting of droids, is a non-seen, not-heard presence. They clean, wash and cook with the most absolute discretion and disappear completely afterwards.

The main occupants of the base, the so-called Knights of Ren, are way less discreet than the droids but just as keen to avoid him. It seems it takes more than slaughtering dozens of Jedi apprentices to truly demonstrate commitment to the cause in their eyes. They still refer to Kylo as ‘Jedi’, a dig at both his past and his heavy reliance on the Force during combat. The Knights Force-Sensitivity is painfully low. Probably the reason they were never taken to the Academy to begin with. Still, they make up for their lack of power with excellent and incredibly lethal combat skills. Kylo, with his red lightsaber and preference for Force techniques over raw swordsmanship, sticks out like a sore thumb.

His new Master is, probably, his main (only) source of intelligent interaction. Training is demanding and relentless, Kylo ends every session aching all over and with his mind torn and raw like a fresh wound. Supreme Leader Snoke makes it very clear early on that he will not tolerate failure or weakness, or anything that may hinder their goal. All remains of his Jedi training are to be erased, along with any lingering memories of his past life and the few vestiges of Light still clinging to his mind.

The first months he cries himself to sleep every night. The Dark Side more real and terrifying now than it ever was back in the Jedi Academy. He can feel the Knights distrust of him, sharp and vicious within the dark confines of their minds. He knows a single step out of place, a single suspicion raised, and they will end his life as easily as they ended the lives of his fellow padawans. He cannot even find any release in his sleep. His nightmares are like a macabre holovideo playing the Academy slaughter on an endless loop.

He thinks about leaving. He even goes as far as to plan detailed escape plans. He can side-step the Knights easily enough, since they already do everything possible to get out of his way. Security is minimal within the complex, stealing a shuttle should be easy enough. Escape is, in theory, insultingly easy. There is no cell, no locks and no guards.

He does not need them.

The memory of the massacre is more than enough. There is no going back after that. Darkness has grown and festered in his mind like a tumor destroying any chances he may have had at going back. Kylo will not ever leave because there is nothing for him to go back to. He took care of it himself. Destroyed all ties so thoroughly that no one has even tried to bring him back. His uncle has exiled himself out of shame and his mother has chosen to stand against him, against Peace. As for his father… Well, he was long gone by the time Ben Solo drew his last breath. There is no sense in looking back now, there only lies pain and regret, he has to look forward and keep his eyes on the goal. On his grandfather’s legacy.

A year passes and all thoughts of leaving have disappeared from his mind. All the better. It is not something he would wish his new Master to see. And Snoke is in his mind often enough that he easily would. He still cries at night, training is a living hell and the Knights keep looking at him with barely disguised mistrust. It is still better than going back.

By his third year at the Base, home is no more than a distant thought, and Ben Solo’s memories feel like they belong to someone else. He has stopped crying and training is no longer the unbearable torture it was on his first year. He has learnt to embrace pain, feed of it to enhance his connection to the Dark Side. The Knights keep their distance, but now he can identify it for what it really is. Fear. As stunted as they are, they have enough Force sensitivity to know they are hopelessly outmatched.

Kylo relishes this new found power over them, for Fear turns out to be an excellent motivator. For the first time in years he knows he is in control, completely unchallenged. He feels giddy at the thought. And it makes him crave more.

The Darkness spreads unstoppable through his mind.

On his fourth year, Supreme Leader Snoke gives him his first mission out of the base. There are rumours of a group of Force-sensitives trying to rebuild the Jedi. After so many years confined to just one place his newfound freedom is exhilarating. He throws himself into the hunt with the same enthusiasm as a rabid bloodhound.

Killing them is easy.

They are nobodies. Nameless faces who have dared to stand against the First Order, to disrupt the Peace. He was capable of killing his fellow padawans. People he knew. Whom he had lived with for five years. Killing a bunch of strangers is not even a challenge.

That night, his sleep is dreamless and peaceful for the first time in years.

After that, the missions keep coming. Each time a Force-sensitive is detected on the Galaxy Kylo and the Knights of Ren are dispatched to end them. It feels a bit of a waste to kill all these potential allies, without even trying to turn them to the Dark Side, but those are the Supreme Leader’s orders and he will follow them without complaint. When has he ever been wrong after all? All his predictions have come true. The cowardly Republic, unable to keep the Peace and funding an illegal militia instead, his uncle, the last Jedi, choosing exile rather than avenging his students.

It matters not. Their days are counted. The First Order is expanding inexorably through the Galaxy, no longer confined to the Unknown Regions. Entire Outer Rim systems have joined their crusade, and influential figures within the Core worlds offer their support. Despite what his mother would have had him believe, there are many who are unhappy with the New Republic and would gladly return to the old glorious days of the Empire.

Supreme Leader now spends more time playing politics with governors and trade associations than on his training. Kylo understands the need for this, he practically grew up on the Senate halls, after all, but it still irks him to see his Force training superseded by something as cumbersome as _politics._ He stomps around the complex, waiting for anything, or anyone, to give him an excuse to vent his anger.

By the time he has worked his way through most of the base’s droid staff, Snoke summons him to his side. The time has come for him to join the game.

He spends months shadowing his Master. In every meeting, every conversation, every function, there he stands. A dark shadow hovering behind Supreme Leader’s deceptively tiny figure. Most of the time he does not even understand the conversation going on in front of him. Still, there are times he does, and little by little he starts to learn and figure out the intricate web of alliances and disputes that make up the upper echelons of the First Order.

Most commanding officers had served with the Empire. They are old men and women, bitter with resentment and consumed with their own thirst for revenge. They are more concerned with their petty vendetta against the Republic than the true mission of the First Order. Kylo spends the first months half wishing, half expecting, Supreme Leader Snoke to order their execution. That is one mission he would definitely enjoy.

Of course, not all the brass is composed of wizened carcasses mourning a past era, there are some younger officers in there as well. Most of them the offspring of defunct Grand Moffs and other Imperial big fishes. Raised on stories of the Great Empire, they devote themselves to the Order with unrestrained fanaticism. The worst of the bunch is the redheaded Colonel in charge of the Stormtrooper programme. His feverish fanatism for the Order is only surpassed by his absolute devotion to Supreme Leader Snoke, whom he aims to please and impress above everything else. Kylo finds the way the man scraps for any smidgen off approval undignified and can not understand why his Master seems to encourage it.

It comes then as no surprise to anyone when Snoke assigns the development of their new super weapon to the suck up bastard. The man looks almost close to tears when he accepts the mission, bowing and kissing Snoke’s hand in gratitude. Behind his mask, Kylo rolls his eyes at the unashamed display of adulation. Yet Snoke is not finished.

“You will count with the assistance of my apprentice, Kylo Ren, to complete your mission”

Kylo is so startled by the news he all but forgets his composure and quickly whips his head around to question his master “What?! ”

Snoke barely deigns to look at him, merely raising a hand to cut him off. It is a lazy and unhurried gesture, yet it still shuts Kylo up as effectively as a switch. Snoke carries on.

“As the Master of the Knights of Ren I’m sure he will be an invaluable asset in your mission, Colonel Hux. I expect great things from you both”

Just like that Kylo is once again separated from his Master, only this time there aren’t staff droids for him to release his frustrations on.

To help him accomplish his mission, Hux is given command of the _Finalizer,_ a _Resurgent_ -class Star Destroyer. Under normal circumstances, the ship would not be commanded by anything less than a General. Giving it to a simple Colonel like Hux is a clear sign of favour on Snoke’s part.

Hux is, of course, an insufferably smug prat about it. He struts around the bridge in his carefully pressed uniform and shiny boots, showing off like a fancy peacock in mating season. He has the Stormtroopers run daily check ups on all the blasted systems and the Sanitation crew work tirelessly to keep the damn ship spotless. He even has the gall to authorise them into Kylo Ren’s own quarters to “ensure the full integrity of the ship”.

The bastard is so obsessed he probably has sexual fantasies about the kriffing vessel.

Kylo does his best to stay out of Hux’s way, keeping to his quarters and focusing his time on improving his training. Hux does not seem to either understand or appreciate his efforts, and keeps dragging him to pointless and boring meetings to discuss guvernamental taxes, financial credits and similar nonsense.

The meetings do nothing but get on Kylo’s nerves and, for lack of droids to slash at, he takes to unleashing his frustration against the ship itself. It serves the double purpose releasing his anger and pissing of Hux at the same time. Win-win.

The ginger bastard threatens to report him to Snoke countless times, but as time passes without any sanction from their leader it becomes obvious Snoke either does not care if Kylo tears the ship apart or just can not be bothered to do anything about it.

Of course, Snoke’s implicit dismissal does nothing to discourage Hux. Four months in into their joint mission the Colonel invites Kylo to a private meeting in his office to discuss their ‘Strategy’.

Even before he enters the room Kylo knows this will not be a strategy meeting as much as  Hux’s personal whining session. When he enters, Hux is sitting behind his desk, a decadent piece made with rich wood inlaid with metal. Obviously not standard issue. Hux does not stand up to greet him, simply gesturing for him to sit down on one of the available chairs in front of his desk, while he browses through the holoscreens laid out on his desk.

Everything, from the unnecessarily ornate table to the lower guest chairs, screams of a man trying to demonstrate his superiority. Kylo plays along, consoling himself with the knowledge that he could Kill Hux and would probably only receive a small slap on the wrist from his Master. He slouches on his chair and drapes his arms on the side rests, enjoying the annoyed twitch in Hux’s eye at his sloppy posture.

“You wanted to see me…?”

“Yes” Hux shuts down the holodeck he was working and carefully places it on top of the perfectly ordered pile at the edge of the table. His movements are calm and delicate. Precise. He does not exude the same natural authority as some of the higher officers, his demeanour closer to that of an administrative than a soldier. Rumor has it among First Order officers that Hux earned his current rank in the Grand Admiral’s bed, instead of the battlefield. Kylo is inclined to believe them. He can find no other explanation as to how the prim and fussy officer has risen so fast through the ranks.

“There have been reports of a new technology that could be of great interest to us. Some doctor on the Outer Rim has made a breakthrough in harnessing a star’s power straight from the source. If properly developed, this new technology could potentially solve the current energy shortage on the Outer Rim planets”

“Sounds lovely. Though I’m assuming your interest in it isn’t purely philanthropic”

“I don’t give a bantha’s shit about the energy problems of the Outer Rim” snaps Hux, probably annoyed at having his speech interrupted. “What interests me - and should interest you as well - is its weaponization potential. Reliance on conventional methods of energy supply was one of the biggest weaknesses of the Death Star”

“You mean apart from the completely unprotected thermal exhaust port”

Hux sends him a withering glare in response.

“You think you are untouchable, don’t you? With your _mystical_ powers, and that ridiculous get up. You think you are too important for this mission. Too great. That all you have to do is stomp around like an overgrown toddler for a few months while I do the dirty work, and Snoke will welcome you back to his side.”

Kylo does not deign to reply. He just slouches a bit further on his seat while keeping his gaze fixed on Hux. Let the bastard rant and get it out of his miserable chest.

“Well, you are wrong. Snoke may certainly find you useful, stars know why, but make no mistake, that does not mean you are irreplaceable.” Hux pauses dramatically, to let his words sink in. Kylo does not change his posture, but he does keep his attention on the Colonel. “This mission is a test for you as much as it is for me. If we succeed we will have secured our place in Snoke’s inner circle, if we fail… you can bet Snoke already has our substitutes ready to take our place”

“ _Y_ _our_ place” says Kylo, anger colouring his voice at being put at the same level as Hux. “I’m sure there is no shortage of obsequious paper-pushers in the First Order that could do your job just as well. Force users on the other hand, may prove a bit harder to find. I personally took care of that”

“Oh, yes, your infamous killing sprees through the Galaxy. A very effective way to get rid of the competition, I must admit. Still, are you absolutely sure there are no more freaks like you left? No little children hiding in a backwater planet?”

Hux’s words bring back a memory he had buried in the deepest recess of his mind. A memory of a little girl screaming for him to come back under the bright sun of Jakku.  Not for the first time he is thankful for the mask hiding his emotions. He closes his eyes and silently counts to three before, once again, banishing the memory from his mind.

“No” When he answers his voice is completely level, the voice modulator in the mask effectively banishing any small trace of sentiment left. “There are none”

Hux hums noncommittally in response, obviously more than a little sceptic at his declaration.

“Look at it this way then: the sooner we get our hands on this new technology the sooner we can go our separate ways.”

Kylo considers this for a bit. Helping Hux now seems like a small price to pay in order to not have to see his ugly sneering face ever again.

“Understood. I’ll help you locate this doctor you seek so you can go back to your… _duties._ I imagine Grand Admiral Thrawn does not like his bed to go cold for too long”

Hux’s face twists in an ugly grimace, eyes burning with undisguised hatred.

“I imagine he doesn’t. But, most importantly, I wouldn’t want to keep you from your very important job of slaughtering little children. Stars know they are _such a threat_ to the Galaxy”

Kylo clenches his fingers on the armrests of his chair. How dare this entitled prissy _nobody_ make fun of his mission? Force knows he takes no personal enjoyment in that part of his job, he only does what is necessary to prevent a new Jedi uprising.

“Are we done here, Colonel?”

“Yes, Ren, I believe we are”

Kylo storms out of the room without another word, already looking for a good, expensive and important-looking comand console on which to take out his anger at Hux’s words.

That night, the nightmares come again. He dreams of Jakku, with its endless desserts and deathly blue skies, only it is not Rey who is abandoned there this time, but him. He lies on the burning sand, bleeding out from uncountable wounds as Supreme Leader Snoke walks away from him.

After that, he dedicates himself fully to the mission. He attends Hux’s boring meetings and helps him chase down leads. And yet, three months after their unspoken truce they are no closer to locating the doctor or her technology.

From what they have managed to gleam from various reports Doctor Zivan, fully aware of the potential uses of her technology, has gone into hiding on the Outer Rim. No one has been able to provide any more detail on her whereabouts. Some rumors have her collaborating with the Resistance, others assure she is under the protection of the Hutts, a few have her dead.

For the first time, Kylo starts to consider Hux’s words. Will Snoke punish him for failing in this mission? _Kill him_? A familiar fear starts to take over him. It has been years since he doubted himself, years since those nights when he stayed awake in bed afraid that he would never be good enough. But as their chase keeps stretching into days and weeks, and months, the old fear is back and as strong as ever.

Maybe Snoke was wrong. Maybe he will never be as great as Darth Vader. Maybe that is his curse. Too always fall short of expectations.

He becomes so obsessed with his own fear and demons he barely puts up a protest when Hux drags him to ball held in Eriadu to honor the memory of the late Grand Moff Tarkin. It is the usual First Order pompous affair, chock full of mid-ranking officers angling for a promotion and sympathisers looking to push their interests. Kylo usually avoids such events like the plague, having little taste for vain gossip or empty flattery. It just figures it would be the type of thing Hux would favour.

The Colonel is wearing his formal uniform and has chosen to bring one of his Stormtroopers officials as his date. Kylo has only had some brief interactions with Captain Phasma on the _Finalizer,_ but so far his impression of her was that of a stewardly loyal and efficient official. Seeing her out of armour for the first time, he is now able to also appreciate her beauty. Tall, blonde and with severe features, she cuts a striking figure in her floor-length platinum gown. Too bad her taste in men seems to be so severely lacking.

The moment they arrive, Hux immediately dashes of to greet his fellow officers and a few chosen important figures, Phasma close on his heels, tall and blonde and beautifully imposing, she doubles as both the perfectly charming arm candy and a most threatening bodyguard.

Kylo, who has opted out of any fancy dresses and stuck with his mask and outfit, quickly finds himself drifting to the edges of the ballroom and questioning what madness had prompted him to acquiesce to Hux’s demands. He has always hated balls. His parents used to take him with them on the big occasions back on Hosnian Prime. His mother would, for once, abandon the somber and strict dresses she wore to the Senate, and put on splendid and fastuous gowns, looking every inch the Princess she had been. Next to her, his father and himself would inevitably end up looking scruffy and out of place. From their rough features, to their slouchy posture, every inch of them screamed ‘peasants’, no matter how fancy their robes or how much gel Leia combed through their hair. The moment she stood next to them, with her delicate features and royal bearing, the difference became painfully obvious.

He is so absorbed in his thoughts that he startles when he hears a voice speak next to him.

“You look like downright miserable, don’t you?”

Kylo turns, upset at having failed to sense anyone approach. His interlocutor, an attractive dark-skinned young woman, smiles back at him. His first thought is that she must be some officer’s date, obviously as bored with the proceedings as him, or simply curious about the only Knight of Ren in the room. He has become used to dealing with her type when accompanying Snoke in his duties. Gossips avid to learn about Snoke’s mysterious bodyguard. He is about to dismiss her, but a second look makes him reassess his impressions.

Her dress looks expensive, but the muted tones and elegant cut do not match those usually worn by First Order officers’ companions. A sympathizer, then. And, going by the intricate and unmistakably expensive jewlery, an aristocratic one at that. Kylo feel his defences go up. Brainless floozies looking to satisfy their curiosity are one thing, First Order sympathizers are a whole other kettle of fish entirely.

“I thought you would be used to this kind of environment”

Kylo discreetly looks around looking for a way to escape the conversation. Unfortunately, in his efforts to distance himself from the party goers, he has effectively backed himself into a corner. He resigns himself to the conversation, not wanting to offend a potentially powerful ally, and answers through clenched teeth.

“I’m afraid Supreme Leader Snoke’s missions have mostly kept me from participating in these type of… events”

“Oh” She says, feigning surprise at his answer “Sorry, I did not mean First Order balls, I would have known had you attended any of them. I meant with your mother”

Kylo feels as if liquid ice has been poured into his veins. His mask suddenly feels too confining and his heart is beating a wild staccato rhythm. The woman is staring straight at him, her gray eyes cold and scrutinising. Kylo barely manages to stutter back a response without his voice breaking.

“M-my mother?”

“Senator Leia Organa” The woman answers without missing a beat. Her eyes remain fixed on him, and Kylo feels like his every movement is being evaluated and catalogued. He tries his best to keep his voice level and prevent his body from betraying any measure of discomfort.

“How do you know?” No one in the First Order knows his name, few have ever seen his face. He has been Kylo Ren since the moment he joined. For someone to have discovered his identity…

“Oh, I didn’t know” What. “Not for sure, anyways. Thanks for confirming” She smiles coily at him. Kylo wonders how pissed Hux would be if he were to kill one of the guests. Very pissed, probably. He clenches his jaw, teeth gritting together, as his hand closes around the hilt of his lightsaber.

“How” He does not even bother phrasing it as a question.

“It was obvious” The woman answers, irritatingly unphased “To anyone who would care to look, anyway. Our Supreme Leader gains a new powerful and masked apprentice, whom no one had even heard of before, days after Skywalker’s new Jedi Order is completely annihilated. The location of the Order was privy only to a few, and none of the external defenses served to even warn them of the attack… It’s obvious whoever lead the massacre had to be an insider”

“It could be literally anyone. There were dozens of apprentices”

“Yes, there were. But only one of them was related to Darth Vader” She looks at him as she says it, a smug smile playing on her lips. Kylo quietly releases the lightsaber from its holder “Snoke would not have taken just anyone as his apprentice. Had he wanted to take on a Dark Side disciple he already had the Knights of Ren to choose from. No, Snoke wanted someone with a bit more... pedigree. And who better than the Skywalker heir? It probably appealed to his sense of poetry”

He is about to ignite his lightsaber to put an end to the conversation, Hux and Snoke’s potential irritation be damned, when he feels her hand delicately close over his, subtly pushing him to hide his weapon.

“Put that away, why don’t you” For the first time since their conversation started her voice betrays something other than strict politeness, irritation tinting her words. “We have business to discuss, you and I. Not to mention it would be far stupider than you probably realise to kill me here and now. I doubt even your status as Snoke’s favourite pet would be much help to you”

Kylo keeps his grip on his weapon, his anger mounting at her snide tone. It would be easy to overpower her. Run her through before she even has a chance to blink. Still, he breathes in and calms himself. It may have been the remained to his past or the fact that there is still far more of Ben Solo in him than he would like. He re-attaches his saber.

“Well?” He asks.

The woman lets out a shaky exhale. Obviously more upset by his threat than she had been willing to show moments before. When she raises her eyes to him again, her mask is back in place, courteous smile included.

“Go to my rooms. I’ll give you the key. I’ll wait a  bit and follow you”

“Don’t want people to know?”

“I’m counting on people to know.” She makes a point of handing over the key card with not even a small amount of subterfuge “The Master of the Knights of Ren is a very prestigious notch to add to my bedpost” And with that and a parting wink she slinks away towards the centre of the ballroom, where she is quickly surrounded by a gaggle of curious gossips.

Kylo is left awkwardly standing on the edge, with half the attendants badly pretending they are not blatantly ogling him and the other half not even bothering with the pretense. He turns with a hoof and starts towards the residential area of building. Let them stare and gossip all they want.

It turns out to be more difficult than expected to find the rooms, and he has to resign himself to ask for directions to one of the servants wandering the halls. The man does not even seem surprised by the enquiry, and just gives a most unimpressed look before pointing him in the right direction. Despite himself, Kylo feels his ears redden in embarrassment, knowing perfectly well what has been assumed.

The rooms, when he finds them, are big and luxurious, confirming his impression of the woman being some kind of aristocrat. The decoration, rich but tasteful, has a personal accent which clearly differentiates it from the impersonal looking room he himself had been provided with. Either her stay in Eriadu is a long one, or she is rich enough to have all her personal belongings travel with her wherever she goes.

In the privacy of the room, he takes of his mask. With his identity out on the open there’s little to no point in wearing it. He sets it down on what looks to be a study desk, careful not to disrupt any of the carefully laid out holocrons and maps, before sitting himself on one of the comfy chairs.

He lets himself study the room. Looking to find something that may shed a little light on who this woman is. The decoration, as well as some of the clothes he can see within the closet, look distinctly Core World style. Elegant lines and rich materials, with none of the exuberance usually favoured by the Outer Rim aristocracy. His gaze runs over silk draped curtains, and a chest overflowing with dresses, to settle on the massive bed taking up most off the room’s space. He flushes at the sight, as a thought crosses his mind. She mentioned they has business to attend to, and he quickly assumed she meant something related to the First Order. But, she could have easily meant something else.

Panic starts to settle in as he rapidly wonders whether he misunderstood everything. What if the reason he has been invited to these rooms is the most obvious one? After all, she said it herself, bedding him would probably give her no small amount of gossip for months. A sense of dread takes over his limbs. He has no experience with anything but his own hand. He was never popular between the girls at the Academy, and once he turned, there was no time or opportunity for him to indulge. There is no way he is going to be able to match the expectations of a beautiful Core World aristocrat who probably has had more lovers than Uncle Lando. The bed looks imposingly threatening now.

“You look a lot like your father, anyone tell you that?”

Kylo startles immediately at the voice, having been too distracted by his thoughts to notice the woman’s arrival. He feels himself blush hotly, from his neck to the top of his ears, and considers reaching from his mask across the room and yanking it back on. Fortunately, his companion seems to not be paying him any attention, sat on a vanity table, too busy removing her jewelry.

Kylo forces himself to speak through the lump now logged on the back of his throat. His voice comes out sounding foreign to his ears, after years of only hearing himself through the modulator, deep and nasal and barely recognisable as his own.

“You know my father?”

“Mmmmh. Not really. I only saw him once or twice, from afar. You have his nose”

She appears to have finished removing the jewelry and, before Kylo can react, stands up and unzips her dress, letting it pool at her feet, revealing soft curves and a wide expanse of dark skin, barely covered by her undergarments.

Kylo chokes on his own spit, and his intended response comes out as a high pitched and half strangled noise. His face is burning and he frantically wonders how he can have gotten everything so wrong. His mother would be sorely disappointed at his complete lack of subtlety. He is about to get up and dash out the room, potential gossip and judgemental servants be damned, when she turns and spots him.

He freezes in place like a frightened lothcat.

“And where do you think you are going?” Kylo wills his brain to work and come up with a legitimate sounding response but, before he has even managed  to let out a even a stutter, she grabs a large velvety dressing gown and ties it on, before sitting herself opposite him on a couch “We still have much to discuss,  but first let me introduce myself. I’m Ilan Tarkin, pleased to make your acquaintance”

  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Kylo is such an awkward duckling. My headcanon is that he is a 29 year old awkward virgin and no one will convince me otherwise. 
> 
> I'm hoping the character Benicio del Toro will play in Episode VIII is Grand Admiral Thrawn (or a version of him), so that's why I wanted to add him to my story as part of the First Order. The relation(?) to Hux was pretty much a spur of the moment decision that I'm now quite happy with (what would the shipname be, Thrux? Hawn?).
> 
> On Ilan Tarkin - She is not a EU character, I'm making her up and playing a bit with existing characters.
> 
> Next chapter: More First Order adventures and a first look into the seedier side of the Galaxy. I can't give a date for the update, but hopefully before the end of the month.


End file.
